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discuss the advantages and disadvantages of high school students having part-time jobs v.1

discuss the advantages and disadvantages of high school students having part-time jobs v. 1
The schooling phase in one's life is the most important time to make friends and trail on their carrier aspects. However, some of the students are interested in going to jobs for getting a pocket payment that can be used for their daily needs. In this story, we will discuss the pros and cons of part-time duties that are attracted by high school students. For example, Going to hourly basis jobs will add knowledge and experience about the office culture. Along with this, students will get paid, and they can spend the paid cash for purchasing books and required materials for their schooling. This practice makes the students understand how individuals can work and get paid for their efforts. Also, they will come to know about interacting with different kinds of people to full-fill their requirements. In addition to that, one can make good other student friends at work, thus they can help each other in their tasks and studies. When it comes to corns, the Utilization of money that students will get from work can lead them to addicted to bad habits such as drinking alcohol, smoking, drugs and hanging out with friends for overnight parties. Parents may not be able to monitor the moments of their children due to their busy schedules. This is going to be the advantage factor for the children to choose the wrong directions for spending money. For example, one of the incidents happened in India where students went to Goa with pocket money that they earned from daily work, they bought drugs and exported to the other side of the country. A Person caught with live proofs and sentenced for 10 years. To conclude, if students spend money in the right direction for valid purposes, then there are advantages to go to part-time jobs. It all depends on an individual how they use the money and they should know the consequences of going in the wrong direction as per their country's judicial system.
The schooling phase in one's life is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends and trail on their carrier aspects.
However
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are interested
in going to jobs for getting a pocket payment that can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for their daily needs. In this story, we will discuss the pros and cons of part-time duties that
are attracted
by high school students.

For example
, Going to hourly basis jobs will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
knowledge and experience about the office culture. Along with this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid, and they can spend the paid cash for purchasing books and required materials for their schooling. This practice
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
understand how individuals can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid for their efforts.
Also
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to know about interacting with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to full-fill their requirements.
In addition
to that, one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
friends at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
thus
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
each other in their tasks and studies.

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to corns, the Utilization of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can lead them to addicted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits such as drinking alcohol, smoking, drugs and hanging out with friends for overnight parties. Parents may not be able to monitor the moments of their children due to their busy schedules. This is going to be the advantage factor for the children to choose the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
directions for spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
, one of the incidents happened in India where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
went to Goa with pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
that they earned from daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
drugs and exported to the other side of the country. A Person caught with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
proofs and sentenced for 10 years.

To conclude
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in the right direction for valid purposes, then there are advantages to go to part-time jobs. It all depends on an individual how they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they should know the consequences of going in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
direction as per their country's judicial system.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay discuss the advantages and disadvantages of high school students having part-time jobs v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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