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In many countries teenagers are encouraged to do part time jobs. What's the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part time jobs v.2

In many countries teenagers are encouraged to do part time jobs. What's the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part time jobs v. 2
Fragmented hour jobs which are pursed younger generations in a wide range of countries, so is my country are becoming common to a great deal of teens. In my opinion, despite having some drawbacks of part time working, few hours works by growing adolescents have a multiplicity of conveniences. Temporary employment is very conducive to teenagers. Therefore, our country assists emerging males, particularly students to be employed in any company as a fleeting employer. As a result, they can attain some job skills during immature. For instance, a wide range of practical skills learning programs is initiated by our government which will promote them to be motivated in fragmented works. However, part time jobs are a number of benefits as well as demerits. Firstly, the prime favours can be to prepare for the future. In addition to it, they can increase their income which will reduce their parents' pressure. Secondly, they can foretell concerning their further jobs in which they will be qualified. Afterwards, they can rehearse frequently for those jobs. For example, when our country initiated limited hour workings, students expressed complacency as they wound anticipate their preferable work types. On the other hand, although it has some noteworthy opportunities, it can be detrimental for some such a way that teens have to spend a considerable hours in workplaces which can hinder themselves to achieve their desired academic grade. Furthermore, they will cut a sorry figure in academic study. To illustrate, in Japan, a significant number of students were employed as momentary employments which caused becoming abortive to reach expected marks in their different academic subjects. To conclude, identical to the remaining countries, my motherland also permits and encourages younger to do some few hour jobs while adolescents. Moreover, In my opinion, some advantages and inconveniences of part time jobs.
Fragmented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which
are pursed
younger generations in a wide range of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
are becoming common to a great deal of teens. In my opinion, despite having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
working, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
works by growing adolescents have a multiplicity of conveniences.

Temporary employment is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
conducive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
Therefore
, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
assists emerging males,
particularly
students to
be employed
in any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
as a fleeting employer.
As a result
, they can attain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
during immature.
For instance
, a wide range of practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
learning programs
is initiated
by our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
which will promote them to
be motivated
in fragmented works.

However
,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are a number of benefits
as well
as demerits.
Firstly
, the prime
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
can be to prepare for the future.
In addition
to it, they can increase their income which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their parents' pressure.
Secondly
, they can foretell concerning their
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in which they will
be qualified
. Afterwards, they can rehearse
frequently
for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
For example
, when our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
initiated limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
workings, students expressed complacency as they wound anticipate their preferable work types.

On the other hand
, although it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
noteworthy opportunities, it can be detrimental for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
such a way that teens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend a considerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in workplaces which can hinder themselves to achieve their desired academic grade.
Furthermore
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
a sorry figure in academic study. To illustrate, in Japan, a significant number of students
were employed
as momentary employments which caused becoming abortive to reach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
marks in their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
academic subjects.

To conclude
, identical to the remaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, my motherland
also
permits and encourages younger to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
while adolescents.
Moreover
, In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages and inconveniences of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries teenagers are encouraged to do part time jobs. What's the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part time jobs v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
301 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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