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Some people think that students should do part time jobs. Other people think that students should focus on their study without doing part time jobs. What is your opinion and why? v.1

Some people think that students should do part time jobs. Other people think that students should focus on their study without doing part time jobs. What is your opinion and why? v. 1
Households who choose private education for their offspring should be exempted on tax payment that is used to fund a national system of education. A strong contradiction to this statement will be presented as I thoroughly examine this perspective in the essay. In my opinion, I strongly oppose the exemption as tax is used to fund various public transactions, not just about education. To begin with, paying tax is a legal responsibility for all citizens. Basically, funds generated from such laws will be used by the governing body of the land to support the overall welfare of the society. For instance, financial disbursements are not meant to just focus on education alone, but in different sectors of industry as well. There should be a budget allocation for health, communication, livelihood, research and development, and more, and everyone is expected to contribute in all those. In that sense, the thinking that those families who decide to send their children in private school institutions must be freed from paying tax is definitely inappropriate. Furthermore, in relation to promoting equality in terms of the legal obligation to the society, it would be unfair to implement modifications to a specific group's contribution. If the part of the population in favour of the private education system will be given the special privilege in the tax laws, then it is likely that people will patronage such option because it is better to allot their cash spending on something that they can use for their own advantage. On such ground, the balance in the learning system will be in jeopardy and that is why such insight should not be considered at all. To summarize, I certainly oppose the idea of tax exemption to those who decide to go on private learning as it will be unjust to the part of the rest of the people who diligently pay their taxes without question.
Households
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for their offspring should
be exempted
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
payment
that is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to fund a national system of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. A strong contradiction to this statement will
be presented
as I
thoroughly
examine this perspective in the essay. In my opinion, I
strongly
oppose the exemption as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to fund various public transactions, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about education.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
is a legal responsibility for all citizens.
Basically
, funds generated from such laws will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the governing body of the land to support the
overall
welfare of the society.
For instance
, financial disbursements are not meant to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
alone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors of industry
as well
. There should be a budget allocation for health, communication, livelihood, research and development, and more, and everyone is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to contribute in all those. In that sense, the thinking that those families
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their children in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
school institutions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be freed
from paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
is definitely inappropriate.

Furthermore
, in relation to promoting equality in terms of the legal obligation to the society, it would be unfair to implement modifications to a specific group's contribution. If the part of the population in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the special privilege in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
laws, then it is likely that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will patronage such option
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is better to allot their cash spending on something that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantage. On such ground, the balance in the learning system will be in jeopardy and
that is
why such insight should not
be considered
at all.

To summarize
, I
certainly
oppose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
exemption to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
decide to go on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
learning as it will be unjust to the part of the rest of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
diligently
pay their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
without question.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Some people think that students should do part time jobs. Other people think that students should focus on their study without doing part time jobs. What is your opinion and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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