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Discuss both the view points and give you opinion. v.1

Discuss both the view points and give you opinion. v.1
Several people are of a viewpoint that the father and mother should motivate their offsprings to engage in organised collective activities in their spare time. However, some argue that the little ones should keep themselves busy on their own. This essay will elaborate on how taking part in co-curricular activities can help in personality development, and how they can explore about themselves when they are solitary. In my opinion, they should engage with others to spend their free time. To commence with, participating in group activities can aid greatly in an individual's personality enhancement. To elaborate more, when minors take part in such tasks, they inculcate in them the virtues of teamwork and cooperation; furthermore, they learn how to share their things with others, and how to care for others. for example, when I took part in group singing competitions, I learned the quality of working together as an individual team. Thus, from my perception, by this, a child undeniably grows as a person. On the other hand, loneliness can teach many aspects of life to younger ones. In fact, when a child is alone, he or she can discover his or her strengths and weaknesses. The children, who are alone, can pursue their hobbies and take them further in their lives. Consequently, they can even choose their career out of those. Providing convincing evidence, a survey by the prestigious Oxford University has found that the children who had a lonely childhood were very clear about their vocational preferences. In conclusion, from my understanding, staying away from others in free time can let a child discover about himself or herself; nevertheless, participating in organised group activities can teach the importance of teamwork and how to take care of others. Henceforth, a child should be engaged mostly in such activities.
Several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of a viewpoint that the father and mother should motivate their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
to engage in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
collective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their spare time.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves busy on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. This essay will elaborate on how taking part in co-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in personality development, and how they can explore about themselves when they are solitary. In my opinion, they should engage with others to spend their free time.

To commence with, participating in group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can aid
greatly
in an individual's personality enhancement. To elaborate more, when minors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in such tasks, they inculcate in them the virtues of teamwork and cooperation;
furthermore
, they learn how to share their things with others, and how to care for others.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
example, when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in group singing competitions, I learned the quality of working together as an individual team.
Thus
, from my perception, by this, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
undeniably
grows as a person.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, loneliness can teach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects of life to younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. In fact, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
is alone, he or she can discover
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
strengths and weaknesses. The children, who are alone, can pursue their hobbies and take them
further
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Consequently
, they can even choose their career out of those. Providing convincing evidence, a survey by the prestigious Oxford University has found that the children who had a lonely childhood were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
about their vocational preferences.

In conclusion
, from my understanding, staying away from others in free time can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
discover about himself or herself;
nevertheless
, participating in
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can teach the importance of teamwork and how to take care of others. Henceforth, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
should
be engaged
mostly
in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Discuss both the view points and give you opinion. v.1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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