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Some people think that the use of computers in primary and secondary schools makes education more enjoyable and efficient, while others believe that too much dependence on computers causes both physical and emotional problems. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that the use of computers in primary and secondary schools makes education more enjoyable and efficient, while others believe that too much dependence on computers causes both physical and emotional problems. v. 1
Computers are increasingly common in schools everywhere. While the benefits of such technology are obvious, there are also some people who believe relying on technology is harmful. I personally believe that technology has a role to play in schools, but needs to be used with care. The main advantage is that learning computers are very convenient and save a lot of time for both teachers and children, because the children are able to work faster and do more tasks. For example, they can draw and write emails, which they can send to friends, and make “electronic” projects on subjects such as animals and plants. Moreover, the teacher can make education enjoyable by using colourful images and videos from the internet. As a result, both the teacher and the children will enjoy learning. Thus, technology is a very useful tool. However, there are several problems. The main drawback is that using technology can cause physical problems for people of all ages, including children. Prolonged staring at computer screens can lead to eyesight deterioration. For example, in Japan, the percentage of childhood myopia has increased by 20% in the past ten years due to the widespread of smartphones. The computer also causes some mental problems such as poor concentration. It is often said that blue light which are emitted by computers causes sleeping disorder which makes people irritated easily. Therefore, computers have a negative impact on the human body. In conclusion, taking both viewpoints into full consideration, I stand by the opinion that computers can still be beneficial as long as a teacher should be careful not to have negative effects on children’s health.
Computers are
increasingly
common in schools everywhere. While the benefits of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
are obvious, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who believe relying on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is harmful. I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has a role to play in schools,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
needs to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
with care.

The main advantage is that learning computers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
convenient and save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are able to work faster and do more tasks.
For example
, they can draw and write emails, which they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
to friends, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
“electronic” projects on subjects such as animals and plants.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
education enjoyable by using
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
images and videos from the internet.
As a result
, both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will enjoy learning.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful tool.

However
, there are several problems. The main drawback is that using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can cause physical problems for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all ages, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Prolonged staring at computer screens can lead to eyesight deterioration.
For example
, in Japan, the percentage of childhood myopia has increased by 20% in the past ten years due to
The phrase 'the widespread of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the widespread of
smartphones. The computer
also
causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mental problems such as poor concentration. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that blue light which
are emitted
by computers causes sleeping disorder which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
irritated
easily
.
Therefore
, computers have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the human body.

In conclusion
, taking both viewpoints into full consideration, I stand by the opinion that computers can
still
be beneficial as long as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
should be careful not to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people think that the use of computers in primary and secondary schools makes education more enjoyable and efficient, while others believe that too much dependence on computers causes both physical and emotional problems. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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