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Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it? v.1

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it? v. 1
In present-day society, although immense reformations in healthcare have occurred, the physical standard health amount is being subsided in a great number of thriving nations. In this essay, I would like to identify the causes of this circumstance and propose some corresponding solutions as well. It is irrefutable that a wide range of factors contributes to dwindle a physical health standard. In the first place, environmental pollution probably could influence on water or air. To illustrate this, if people drink contaminated water, they will definitely be sick. Thus, the disease is spread constantly by this disaster. In the second place, the majority of people do not have a diet schedule during their weekdays. This is because most of them are on go that means they do not have enough time to enjoy eating their meals. Hence, people would rather eat fast foods much more than healthy foods. The third cause is lack of exercise, there is no doubt that without spending time on sports activities admittedly the health of each individual is going to be threatened in the subsequent upcoming years. On the basis of the above reasoning, it is fortunate that a great number of comprehensive measures have been taken. First and foremost, a domestic health channel or tv show should be established by the government in order to learn people about preserving them from illnesses and reinforcing their health knowledge. Take ' The Biggest Loser' which is an American reality show as an example, most of the American citizens who are in high fat encouraged to lose their weight by watching this show. As a result, the statistic of obesity people is descended in the USA. Furthermore, green space and gyms should be built well over by the government. Therefore, people are stimulated to exercise more by having good enough facilities. To sum up, in spite of improving efficiency in healthcare in the most prosper countries, meanwhile, the overall standard of healthcare is decreased nowadays. Accordingly, steps must be taken by both individuals and governments to prevent problems.
In present-day society, although immense reformations in healthcare have occurred, the physical standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
amount is
being subsided
in a great number of thriving nations. In this essay, I would like to identify the causes of this circumstance and propose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
corresponding solutions
as well
.

It is irrefutable that a wide range of factors contributes to dwindle a physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
standard. In the
first
place, environmental pollution
probably
could influence on water or air. To illustrate this, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
drink contaminated water, they will definitely be sick.
Thus
, the disease
is spread
constantly
by this disaster. In the second place, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have a diet schedule during their weekdays. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of them are on go that means they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to enjoy eating their meals.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
rather
eat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
foods much more than healthy foods. The third cause is lack of exercise, there is no doubt that without spending time on sports activities
admittedly
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of each individual is going to
be threatened
in the subsequent upcoming years.

On the basis of the above reasoning, it is fortunate that a great number of comprehensive measures have
been taken
.
First
and foremost, a domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
channel or
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
should
be established
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in order to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about preserving them from illnesses and reinforcing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
knowledge. Take
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
'
The Biggest Loser' which is an American reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
as an example, most of the American citizens who are in high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
encouraged to lose their weight by watching this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.
As a result
, the statistic of obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
descended in the USA.
Furthermore
, green space and gyms should
be built
well over by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are stimulated
to exercise more by having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
facilities.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
improving efficiency in healthcare in the most prosper countries, meanwhile, the
overall
standard of healthcare
is decreased
nowadays.
Accordingly
, steps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
by both individuals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
problems.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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