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Some people think children's spending time on TV, video and PC games is good, while others think it is bad. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think children's spending time on TV, video and PC games is good, while others think it is bad. v. 2
Few people in the society consider that kids spending their day on Television, motion picture and Computer games are good, but a couple of other's think it is not so good My thoughts on the topic is to let children spend their day with other kids playing and make fun, but it is important to give them their space to watch, play programmes and video games. Childhood is the very happiest moment of our life. We don't have money to spend ourself, but we do have lots of happy moments to enjoy it with modern technology making it even wonderful. Personally, when I grew up there were very little gaming options and Videography now I have money and the technology, but I don't have enough time and age to enjoy those. So, I would definitely recommend parents to allow their younger one's to make use of technology to learn and play. Would any spoil their own kids? , I would advise the public to be cautious about their juveniles getting engaged with TV and video games because it would create a great impact on their health. Spending their after school or weekends at one place is not so good for their health, which would bring them eye sight problem and obese. To keep these health issues on check parents should act wisely and let their children play outside in parks or outdoor games. In the essay, I have discussed on my thoughts on how Adults should act with maturity and allow their children to get engaged in watching Television and videos at the same time make them spend time in parks and other sports.
Few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the society consider that kids spending their day on Television, motion picture and Computer games are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a couple of other's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good


My thoughts on the topic is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
children spend their day with other kids playing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fun,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to give them their space to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
, play
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
and video games.

Childhood is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
happiest moment of our life. We don't have money to spend
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
ourself
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we do have lots of happy moments to enjoy it with modern technology making it even wonderful.
Personally
, when I grew up there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
gaming options and Videography
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I have money and the technology,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I don't have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time and age to enjoy those.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I would definitely recommend parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their younger one's to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technology to learn and play.

Would any spoil their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
kids?
Loose punctuation mark.
,
I would advise the public to be cautious about their juveniles getting engaged with TV and video games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would create a great impact on their health. Spending their after school or weekends at one place is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their health, which would bring them
This word is usually spelt together: "eyesight".
eye sight
problem and obese. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
these health issues on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
parents should act
wisely
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their children play outside in parks or outdoor games.

In the essay, I have discussed on my thoughts on how Adults should act with maturity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
engaged in watching Television and videos at the same time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them spend time in parks and other sports.
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think children's spending time on TV, video and PC games is good, while others think it is bad. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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