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Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it? v.4

Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it? v. 4
It is true that the health sate of developed societies' members has been deteriorating, regardless of the outstanding progress in the medical field and health services. While the origin of that problem comes from some existing harmful factors, there are still relevant prompt actions that the whole societies should realize in order to at least address that issue. There are some reasons why the health conditions of the citizens in the developed countries become progressively worse, in spite of the outstanding performance of the healthcare entities. Firstly, the dramatic increase in the pollution level greatly contributed to the mutation of the environment in a way that creates harmful conditions for living, and people therefore started to suffer from several health problems. For example, the exponential growth of the emitted toxic gases from vehicles and factories results in failing the quality of the air required for breathing. This leads to spread of respiratory disorders among people, such as bronchial asthma and pulmonary diseases. Secondly, the sedentary lifestyle which people adopt, causes negative consequence related to their health state This is because people become less active and refuse to practice exercises and the sport, so their immunity level declined to a worrying degree and they get easily attacked by different pathogenic micro-organisms. Finally, the wide spread of junk food among individuals’ meals led to the uprising level of obesity, which results in several health problems, such as heart diseases and osteoarthritis. However, there are some relevant steps that could be followed in order to regain the health strength level. One core solution, the authority should improve the quality of public transportation system performance in order to encourage people to use it, rather than their own vehicle. Thus, the amount of toxic gases could be declined to an absolute minimum, and the air pollution degree could be declined to a lesser extent. Also, society members should contribute to support the recycle process by separate their trash into different bins, so that they can decrease the amount of their household waste which is considered to be a good environment for harmful organisms. Furthermore, people should lead a healthy lifestyle by regularly practicing of sports or doing exercise in order to get rid of excess harmful calories and to strengthen their immunity level against serious pathogenic viruses and bacteria. Besides, individual persons should depend heavily on healthy food as a main source of their diet, such as vegetables and fruits in order to get their requirement of mineral and vitamins which lead better health conditions. In conclusion, the whole society should collaborate in order to follow relevant and diverse guidelines, so that they can support the health state and stop factors leading to serious illness.
It is true that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Did you mean "state"?
sate
of developed societies' members has been deteriorating, regardless of the outstanding progress in the medical field and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
services. While the origin of that problem
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
factors, there are
still
relevant prompt actions that the whole societies should realize in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to at least address that issue.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions of the citizens in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
become
progressively
worse,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the outstanding performance of the healthcare entities.
Firstly
, the dramatic increase in the pollution
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
greatly
contributed to the mutation of the environment in a way that creates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
conditions for living, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
therefore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to suffer from several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems.
For example
, the exponential growth of the emitted toxic gases from vehicles and factories results in failing the quality of the air required for breathing. This leads to spread of respiratory disorders among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, such as bronchial asthma and pulmonary diseases.
Secondly
, the sedentary lifestyle which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
adopt, causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequence related to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
state This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become less active and refuse to practice exercises and the sport,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their immunity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
declined to a worrying
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
degree and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
easily
attacked by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
pathogenic micro-organisms.
Finally
, the wide spread of junk food among individuals’ meals led to the uprising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of obesity, which results in several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems, such as heart diseases and osteoarthritis.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
relevant steps that could
be followed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to regain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
strength
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
. One core solution, the authority should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality of public transportation system performance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it,
rather
than their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
vehicle.
Thus
, the amount of toxic gases could
be declined
to an absolute minimum, and the air pollution degree could
be declined
to a lesser extent.
Also
, society members should contribute to support the recycle process by separate their trash into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
bins,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can decrease the amount of their household waste which
is considered
to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
environment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
organisms.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should lead a healthy lifestyle by
regularly
practicing of sports or doing exercise in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of excess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
harmful
calories and to strengthen their immunity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
against serious pathogenic viruses and bacteria.
Besides
, individual persons should depend
heavily
on healthy food as a main source of their diet, such as vegetables and fruits in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their requirement of mineral and vitamins which lead better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions.

In conclusion
, the whole society should collaborate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
to follow relevant and diverse guidelines,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
state and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
factors leading to serious illness.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Despite huge improvements in healthcare, the overall standard of physical health in many developed countries is now falling. What could be the reason for this trend, and what can be done to reverse it? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
450 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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