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Describe the first mobile phone that you have got. Please say- When and where did you get it? - What did you mostly use it for? - What difference did it make to your life? Why? v.2

Describe the first mobile phone that you have got. Please say- When and where did you get it? - What did you mostly use it for? - What difference did it make to your life? Why? v. 2
In the modern world, due to poverty and lack of education, many people are keen to commit a crime. In this regard, although there is an opinion that severe penalty can be a viable option for this issue, others feel that better education is the most effective solution. Personally, I believe that the last option can solve this problem more humanity. It is widely accepted that if individuals are well-educated, they can run their livelihood. Consequently, they can avoid negative influences of committing crime, such as poverty and lack of education. To illustrate, many poor people are keen to commit a crime. Furthermore, penalizing criminals strictly cannot motivate them to come back to normal life. That is to say, offenders can get mental injuries. For example, offenders usually meet other types of criminals in the jail, and they can affect their behaviour and world view. On the other hand, if criminals are penalized strictly, other people may think about the consequences of offences, and this can prevent them from perpetrates. Moreover, other people can take a lesson from criminals’ experiences. For instance, if people get to know about the life, which offenders live after imprisonment, they will think about their actions in advance. Furthermore, if the perpetrators are isolated from society, they will not able to do wrongdoings, and some people believe that such kinds of punishments can save other people’s life. To illustrate, there is an opinion that the crime rate will be decreased, if perpetrators get severe penalties, such as capital punishment or life sentences. In conclusion, although many people reckon that severe penalties can help to decrease the crime rate, personally, I believe that in order to prevent individuals from criminal life, they should get educated.
In the modern world, due to poverty and lack of education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are keen to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. In this regard, although there is an opinion that severe penalty can be a viable option for this issue, others feel that better education is the most effective solution.
Personally
, I believe that the last option can solve this problem more humanity.

It is
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that if individuals are well-educated, they can run their livelihood.
Consequently
, they can avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences of committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, such as poverty and lack of education. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are keen to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
Furthermore
, penalizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
strictly
cannot motivate them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back to normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
That is
to say, offenders can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
mental injuries.
For example
, offenders
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
in the jail, and they can affect their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and world view.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
are penalized
strictly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the consequences of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
, and this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from perpetrates.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can take a lesson from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals’
experiences.
For instance
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, which offenders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
after imprisonment, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their actions in advance.
Furthermore
, if the perpetrators
are isolated
from society, they will not able to do wrongdoings, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that such kinds of punishments can save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. To illustrate, there is an opinion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate will
be decreased
, if perpetrators
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
severe penalties, such as capital punishment or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
sentences.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reckon that severe penalties can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to decrease the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate,
personally
, I believe that in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
individuals from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
educated.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Describe the first mobile phone that you have got. Please say- When and where did you get it? - What did you mostly use it for? - What difference did it make to your life? Why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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