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Describe an occasion that you wore formal clothes: you should say-What occasion it was? -When it was? -Where it was? -and explain why you wore it? v.1

Describe an occasion that you wore formal clothes: you should say-What occasion it was? -When it was? -Where it was? -and explain why you wore it? v. 1
It is often argued that the government should budget public services instead of spending its money on arts, music and theatre. Although I agree that state investment in public services plays an important role, I think that proper funding in art sector is also crucial for the community. On the one hand, union should definitely finance its budget on public services. This economic sector determines the overall quality of the life, ensuring that some basic services like schools, hospitals and roads, are available to all citizens irrespective of their income and social status. Public services satisfy the primary needs of the public, thus need a proper funding, while artists and musicians are not able to cure diseases or build houses so their role is secondary. For example, any country they can live without music concerts, but absence of medicine will create significant problems. That is why the government should adequately finance public services in the first place. On the other hand, facility and jazz are not a waste of money since they are integral part of the society's culture and intellectual development and amusements. Firstly, arts and music's draw people's attention to diverse phenomena and represents the significance of things. Quite often, a single drawing, piece or folk can exhort myriad of people to reconsider their attitude towards some situations. This way art serve as a major source of personal and intellectual development. Moreover, visiting museum, waiting movies and listening to tune are common ways of relaxation and entertainment. Thus, art sector is also important for the society and should not be neglected. In conclusion, though I believe that the government should allocate a large part of its budget on such urgent needs of the society like public services, I think that imagination and song should also be financed since they play important roles in people's development and entertainment.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should budget
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
instead
of spending its money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that state investment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that proper funding in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
sector is
also
crucial for the community.

On the one hand, union should definitely finance its budget on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. This economic sector determines the
overall
quality of the life, ensuring that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
like schools, hospitals and roads, are available to all citizens irrespective of their income and social status.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
satisfy the primary needs of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
,
thus
need a proper funding, while artists and musicians are not able to cure diseases or build
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their role is secondary.
For example
, any country they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without music concerts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
absence of medicine will create significant problems.
That is
why the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
adequately
finance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in the
first
place.

On the other hand
, facility and jazz are not a waste of money since they are integral part of the society's culture and intellectual development and amusements.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and music's draw
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's attention to diverse phenomena and represents the significance of things. Quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
, a single drawing, piece or folk can exhort myriad of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to reconsider their attitude towards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situations. This way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
serve as a major source of personal and intellectual development.
Moreover
, visiting museum, waiting movies and listening to tune are common ways of relaxation and entertainment.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
sector is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the society and should not
be neglected
.

In conclusion
, though I believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should allocate a large part of its budget on such urgent needs of the society like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that imagination and song should
also
be financed
since they play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
roles in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's development and entertainment.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Describe an occasion that you wore formal clothes: you should say-What occasion it was? -When it was? -Where it was? -and explain why you wore it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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