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Describe an object that is very special in your life. Explain why this object is important to you. Include details and examples in your explanation. v.2

Describe an object that is very special in your life. Explain why this object is important to you. Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 2
Being a celebrity comes with disadvantages as well as advantages. This essay will argue that there are greater benefits of this than drawbacks. The essay will first demonstrate that popularity affords stars many opportunities and secondly, that it helps them impact society for good, followed by an analysis of the major drawback, which is societal pressure. One major benefit that many celebrities enjoy, is easy access to chances to make money. This is because, companies would usually recognize their value as social icons and want to exploit this to grow their businesses, by paying them to serve as brand ambassadors for their products. For example, an article published in 2002 by the New York Times, reported that Michael Jordan made over 1000% more, from advertisements than from what he earned as a pro basketball player. Furthermore, being popular can give superstars the power to influence society to do good. The reason for this is that they are well respected by their fans who would normally accept whatever they stand for as truth. For instance, in 1999, a number of musicians and actors, including Michael Jackson, used the 'Heal the World' movement to raise funds that helped to eradicate starvation in Sudan. Despite these, a major drawback would be that fame puts people under pressure. Consequently, this could lead to depression or even suicide, among star performers, although there is little evidence to support this claim. To illustrate, a recent survey by the Mental Health Foundation in the UK, showed that celebrities are 4 times happier and mentally healthier than the average citizen. In conclusion, the popularity that famous people have, comes with benefits as well as drawbacks. This essay believes that those advantages, such as helping them advance financially, as well as influence the world for charitable causes, outweighs the flawed argument that it mounts undue pressure on stars.
Being a celebrity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with disadvantages as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as advantages. This essay will argue that there are greater benefits of this than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
. The essay will
first
demonstrate that popularity affords stars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
opportunities and
secondly
, that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them impact society for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, followed by an analysis of the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawback
, which is societal pressure.

One major benefit that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
celebrities enjoy, is easy access to chances to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
would
usually
recognize their value as social icons and want to exploit this to grow their businesses, by paying them to serve as brand ambassadors for their products.
For example
, an article published in 2002 by the New York Times, reported that Michael Jordan made over 1000% more, from advertisements than from what he earned as a pro basketball player.
Furthermore
, being popular can give superstars the power to influence society to do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
The reason for this is
that they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
respected by their fans who would
normally
accept whatever they stand for as truth.
For instance
, in 1999, a number of musicians and actors, including Michael Jackson,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the 'Heal the World' movement to raise funds that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to eradicate starvation in Sudan.

Despite these, a major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawback
would be that fame puts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
under pressure.
Consequently
, this could lead to depression or even suicide, among star performers, although there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
evidence to support this claim. To illustrate, a recent survey by the Mental Health Foundation in the UK,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that celebrities are 4 times happier and mentally healthier than the average citizen.

In conclusion
, the popularity that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with benefits as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drawbacks
. This essay believes that those advantages, such as helping them advance
financially
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as influence the world for charitable causes, outweighs the flawed argument that it mounts undue pressure on stars.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Describe an object that is very special in your life. Explain why this object is important to you. Include details and examples in your explanation. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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