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Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. Discuss both views. v.2

Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. v. 2
Some individuals are of a view that entrepreneurs should create a workplace, which is healthy and supportive for the workers, and it recognises them for their achievements. While others believe that employers exclusively need to focus on upgrading the equipment. I personally agree with the former viewpoint because it will keep the workforce motivated and reduce turnovers. To begin with, creating an environment that respects and values the workers will help the employees to feel a sense of fulfillment. It will not only make them happy, but also motivate them to achieve their endeavours. In other words, when people get recognition for their accomplishments, they tend to achieve greater heights, which in turn leads to the success of the organisation as well as growth of the individuals. For instance, Amazon offers various rewards to its employees regularly to recognise their achievements. As a result, its personnel feel highly content and enthusiastic. Furthermore, an organisation with a positive atmosphere will also reduce employee turnover considerably. Since the employees feel motivated, they will neither want to leave the organisation, nor will they be absent for a single day, and therefore, employee retention rate will be improved which will result in reduced turnover. Moreover, increase in retention will also lead to greater productivity and hence, the success of the firm. To illustrate, it has been found that many big industrialists in some Asian countries are able to retain more and more employees in the past few years, owing to the healthy work environment. In conclusion, I strongly believe that it is the primary responsibility of an employer to build a workplace that respects and values its employees, in order to keep them satisfied and reduce employee turnovers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals are of a view that entrepreneurs should create a workplace, which is healthy and supportive for the workers, and it
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognises' is British English.
recognises
them for their achievements.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others believe that employers exclusively need to focus on upgrading the equipment. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former viewpoint
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the workforce motivated and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
turnovers.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, creating an environment that respects and values the workers will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to feel a sense of fulfillment. It will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them happy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
motivate them to achieve their
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
.
In other words
, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
recognition for their accomplishments, they tend to achieve greater heights, which in turn leads to the success of the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
as well
as growth of the individuals.
For instance
, Amazon offers various rewards to its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
regularly
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
their achievements.
As a result
, its personnel feel
highly
content and enthusiastic.

Furthermore
, an
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
atmosphere will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
turnover
considerably
. Since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
feel motivated, they will neither want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
, nor will they be absent for a single day, and
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
retention rate will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
which will result in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
turnover.
Moreover
, increase in retention will
also
lead to greater productivity and
hence
, the success of the firm. To illustrate, it has
been found
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
industrialists in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Asian countries are able to retain more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in the past few years, owing to the healthy work environment.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that it is the primary responsibility of an employer to build a workplace that respects and values its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them satisfied and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
turnovers.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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