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Describe a garden or park that you know, You should say: Where it is located. How often you go there. What you do there. Whether there are other places like this where you live, v.1

Describe a garden or park that you know, You should say: Where it is located. How often you go there. What you do there. Whether there are other places like this where you live, v. 1
Some people think that occupying in a high-rise apartment block is not joyful as well as it makes us feel isolated while others are of the opinion it is beneficial for people who want to feel a greater sense of community than the people who live in houses. This essay will discuss both points of views. People who live in a high-rise accommodation feel more safety and security if we compare it to ordinary houses. One example that springs to my mind is in my country high-rise apartment blocks are surrounded by security cameras, if someone like a criminal endeavour to enter apartment with no right, face-recognition system which compares the owner’s identity can swiftly recognize criminal. It analyses person’s face with the owner’s appearance, if faces are not like each other, it informs securities about a crime. Moreover, each of the rooms is provided with modern technologies which assists people in every aspect. Hence, living in those apartments has got a crucial importance for people who want to live in a secure place. On the other hand, due to surrounding with a technological life, people can't feel nature and social life in the apartments. As a result, they will become unhappy as well as dissatisfy their life, even if they occupy in a modern place. If we compare people who live in a house and people who occupy in high-rise residential blocks, inhabitants of the home are more handsome as well as more charitable. To sum up, as some people’s says, living high-rise apartments are beneficial for someone who cares about safety. However this place is not loved people who like social gatherings. In my personal opinion, high-rise building is better, because they are safely and high secured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that occupying in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high-rise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartment
block is not joyful
as well
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
isolated while others are of the opinion it is beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
a greater sense of community than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. This essay will discuss both points of views.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high-rise
accommodation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
more safety and security if we compare it to ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. One example that springs to my mind is in my country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high-rise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartment
blocks
are surrounded
by security cameras, if someone like a criminal
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to enter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartment
with no right, face-recognition system which compares the owner’s identity can
swiftly
recognize criminal. It analyses person’s face with the owner’s appearance, if faces are not like each other, it informs securities about a crime.
Moreover
, each of the rooms
is provided
with modern technologies which assists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in every aspect.
Hence
, living in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartments
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a crucial importance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a secure place.

On the other hand
, due to surrounding with a technological life,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
nature and social life in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartments
.
As a result
, they will become unhappy
as well
as dissatisfy their life, even if they occupy in a modern place. If we compare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
occupy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high-rise
residential blocks, inhabitants of the home are more handsome
as well
as more charitable.

To sum up, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
says, living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high-rise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartments
are beneficial for someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
cares about safety.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
this place is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
like social gatherings. In my personal opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high-rise
building is better,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
safely
and high
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
secured
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
38Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Describe a garden or park that you know, You should say: Where it is located. How often you go there. What you do there. Whether there are other places like this where you live, v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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