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Describe a beautiful garden that you have visited. Please say- What garden is it? - When did you visit it? - What did you do there? v.1

Describe a beautiful garden that you have visited. Please say- What garden is it? - When did you visit it? - What did you do there? v. 1
More and more artists are naturally born since the dawn of time. As a result, it has been the subject of discussion on whether the state or a non-government institution should support them financially. These points of view will be discussed in this order. It is believed by some that the country's administration should finance the creative artists. For instance, under President Ferdinand E. Marcos regime, all of our skilfully created arts by the Filipino artists were provided by all the helps they needed. Like Fernando Amorsolo, one of the most famous painters in the Philippines was funded by the late President Marcos and even his first exhibition held in the National Museum in the country. Thus, he was known by visitors who came and saw his creations internationally, and this led him to exhibit his paintings in different countries. He made our country known around the world and he is indeed a Filipino pride. On the other hand, many argue that NGOs (Non-government Organisations) should be the one financing them. An idea that may support this is that the government has a lot of funding already and they cannot afford to finance these creators of the arts, so it is better to ask for a help to a private institution. For example, the Pro-mil Milk Company has funded the concert of Sarah Geronimo in Araneta Coliseum. She is the most popular singer because she sings magnificently and can touch our deepest emotions. In fact, this private company can make a lot of profit in her concert. In conclusion, for reasons related to the pride and private institution making of profit when financing arts creators are supported and refuted by many. However, after analysing these two points of view, it is clear that the government should finance them. Thus, the argument that the state should financially support creative artists can be supported and expected to be realised.
More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are
naturally
born since the dawn of time.
As a result
, it has been the subject of discussion on whether the state or a non-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
institution should support them
financially
. These points of view will
be discussed
in this order.

It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that the country's administration should finance the creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
.
For instance
, under President Ferdinand E. Marcos regime, all of our
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilfully' is British English.
skilfully
created arts by the Filipino
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
were provided
by all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
they needed. Like Fernando
Possible spelling mistake found.
Amorsolo
, one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
painters in the Philippines
was funded
by the late President Marcos and even his
first
exhibition held in the National Museum in the country.
Thus
, he
was known
by visitors who came and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
his creations
internationally
, and this led him to exhibit his paintings in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries. He made our country known around the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
world and
he is
indeed
a Filipino pride.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
argue that NGOs (Non-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisations' is British English.
Organisations
) should be the one financing them. An
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that may support this is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
funding
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
already and
they cannot afford to finance these creators of the arts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to a private institution.
For example
, the Pro-mil Milk
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
has funded the concert of Sarah Geronimo in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Araneta
Coliseum. She is the most popular singer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she sings
magnificently
and can touch our deepest emotions. In fact, this private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
profit in her concert.

In conclusion
, for reasons related to the pride and private institution making of profit when financing arts creators
are supported
and refuted by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.
However
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
these two points of view, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should finance them.
Thus
, the argument that the state should
financially
support creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
can
be supported
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Describe a beautiful garden that you have visited. Please say- What garden is it? - When did you visit it? - What did you do there? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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