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Countries（where there is high unemployment）most pupils should be offered only primary education, there is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Countries（where there is high unemployment）most pupils should be offered only primary education, there is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. v. 1
One of the results of enhanced medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. However, a longer life is only desirable if you can look after yourself and be independent at older ages, otherwise it can be disadvantage for everyone. If you go to a hospital in Turkey, you are likely to see that there are more aged people than you did in the past. Health care systems keep elderly people alive but it costs too much. In facts, it causes a significant problem as there is a shortage of hospital beds. For example, there has been an outbreak named covid-19 at the end of 2019, the virus affected elders most and hospitals were full of old persons. This led to an overload in the medical system and other people couldn't reach the treatment that they needed. On the top of this, one of the biggest medical problems in these days is Alzheimer. People with this disease are unable to retain their daily activities and look after themselves. They need for someone to assist them. They may have to live with their children or be cared for in home, which can be expensive. Elderly people don't like to be a burden, but their children can feel obligated to care for them However, not all aged people need to be looked after. Those who remain healthy can enjoy their retirement days with their families as long as they have saved money. They have time to enjoy a range of activities that they could not do while they were younger because of working life. To sum up, in my opinion, it is good to be live longer in terms of spending time with the loved ones but, no one wants to live till 100 years old if they only cause problems for their family and society.
One of the results of enhanced medical care is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.
However
, a longer life is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
desirable if you can look after yourself and be independent at older ages,
otherwise
it can be disadvantage for everyone.

If you go to a hospital in Turkey, you are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that there are more aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than you did in the past. Health care systems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
alive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it costs too much. In facts, it causes a significant problem as there is a shortage of hospital beds.
For example
, there has been an outbreak named
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid-19
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of 2019, the virus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
elders most and hospitals were full of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
persons. This led to an overload in the medical system and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
couldn't reach the treatment that they needed.

On the top of this, one of the biggest medical problems in these days is Alzheimer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
with this disease are unable to retain their daily activities and look after themselves. They need for someone to assist them. They may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their children or
be cared
for in home, which can be expensive. Elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don't like to be a burden,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their children can feel obligated to care for
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
them


However
, not all aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
be looked
after. Those who remain healthy can enjoy their retirement days with their families as long as they have saved money. They have time to enjoy a range of activities that they could not do while they were younger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of working life.

To sum up, in my opinion, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer in terms of spending time with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, no one wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
till 100 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cause problems for their family and society.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Countries（where there is high unemployment）most pupils should be offered only primary education, there is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
309 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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