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In countries where there is high unemployment, most pupils should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

In countries where there is high unemployment, most pupils should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. v. 2
In many countries where there is a high proportion of unemployed people, it is argued that most students should be provided only primary education and there is no secondary offer for those who are unlikely to have a job. In my opinion, I completely disagree with this point of view It is evident that offering secondary education for primary schoolchildren benefits both individuals and the economy. Firstly, education beyond primary one provides students with the opportunity to acquire various soft skills such as communication skills, team-playing or presentation skills, which improves their future career propects. Therefore, those who are considered unemployable in their primary school time would become competitive applicants in the job market as they are armed with knowledge and skills included in the secondary cirriculum. Secondly, highly educated students are required in many sectors of the economy. Although technology advance has cut down a significant number of labours in some fields namely agriculture or heavy industry, there is an existing demand for professionally trained labor in certain jobs like nursing, researching as well as financial consulting In addition, lack of provision of secondary education has negative impacts on the society. The evident scenario is that there will be a rise in crime rate. As those lacking secondary education do not have sufficient qualities to meet the the need of most employers, they are unable to join the workforce and become unemployed. As a result, they might resort to illegal activities and thus fall foul of the law. Moreover, secondary education shortage is also responsible for poverty and hunger. Indeed, primarily educated labors will have difficulty finding a job and be only able to do manual works which are physically demanding to meet the basic neccessities In conclusion, it is pivotal to widely offer education for pupils, at least on a secondary level.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries where there is a high proportion of unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, it
is argued
that most students should
be provided
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
offer for those who are unlikely to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. In my opinion, I completely disagree with this point of view

It is evident that offering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
schoolchildren benefits both individuals and the economy.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
one provides students with the opportunity to acquire various soft
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
such as communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, team-playing or presentation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
their future career
Possible spelling mistake found.
propects
.
Therefore
, those who
are considered
unemployable in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
school time would become competitive applicants in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market as they
are armed
with knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
included in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
Possible spelling mistake found.
cirriculum
.
Secondly
,
highly
educated students
are required
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors of the economy. Although technology advance has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down a significant number of
Possible spelling mistake. 'labours' is British English.
labours
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fields
namely
agriculture or heavy industry, there is an existing demand for
professionally
trained labor in certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
like nursing, researching
as well
as financial consulting

In addition
, lack of provision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the society. The evident scenario is that there will be a rise in crime rate. As those lacking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
do not have sufficient qualities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
need of most employers, they are unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the workforce and become unemployed.
As a result
, they might resort to illegal activities and
thus
fall foul of the law.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
shortage is
also
responsible for poverty and hunger.
Indeed
,
primarily
educated labors will have difficulty finding a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
able to do manual works which are
physically
demanding to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the basic
Possible spelling mistake found.
neccessities


In conclusion
, it is pivotal to
widely
offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for pupils, at least on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
secondary
level.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay In countries where there is high unemployment, most pupils should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who will have no hope of finding a job. v. 2

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
304 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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