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"Countries become more developed due to mix of different people and their culture. Do you agree or disagree? " v.1

"Countries become more developed due to mix of different people and their culture. " v. 1
In this era of globalization, few countries are left from extensive mixing of people and their cultures. Countries are becoming mere political regions and nations, a reminder of bygone traditions. I believe this is happening clearly for the better. Firstly, The most beneficial contribution of population mixing is perhaps the complimenting of peoples, which encounter and fuse with each other, for mutual development. When people cross borders, they carry their ideas, knowledge and skills and let them blend with those of others. The compound is ideally beneficial because people generally take up and sustain what is good for them. For this blending of knowledge and ideas, today’s world is much more convenient and harmonious than it was less than a century ago. Enhancement of society, which is done easiest through blending of people, also has to be stated. A country may be conservative and grow financially, but today development is a socioeconomic affair. This means that societies and countries do not develop Merely by increasing monetary wealth, but must also grow through the improvement of their people, which is done through “curing people by the people. ” Detractors of such opinion say that we’re losing our cultural and national identities as more and more exotic ideas, values and customs are being domesticated. This perhaps does have a factual base for blending of cultures definite modifies customs. But such modification can hardly be called loss. Identities are made of long time traditions, which were “grown” somewhere back in time, so the loss that some may blame population mixing for may not be a loss at all, but possibly be the process of taking up newer identities or augmenting the already cherished ones. It is foolish, therefore, to be critical of mixing of people and culture, at least in this way. To conclude, mixing of people and their cultures, despite its critics and occasional blemishes, is taking the whole world to a better place.
In this era of globalization, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
from extensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Countries
are becoming mere political regions and nations, a reminder of bygone traditions. I believe this is happening
clearly
for the better.

Firstly
, The most beneficial contribution of population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
is perhaps the complimenting of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
, which encounter and fuse with each other, for mutual development. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cross borders, they carry their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them blend with those of others. The compound is
ideally
beneficial
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
generally
take up and sustain what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them. For this blending of knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world is much more convenient and harmonious than it was less than a century ago. Enhancement of society, which
is done
A determiner is probably missing here: "the easiest".
easiest
through blending of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be stated
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
may be conservative and grow
financially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
development is a socioeconomic affair. This means that societies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
do not develop

Merely
by increasing monetary wealth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
grow through the improvement of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which
is done
through “curing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. ”

Detractors of such opinion say that we’re losing our cultural and national identities as more and more exotic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, values and customs are
being domesticated
. This perhaps does have a factual base for blending of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
modifies customs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
such modification can hardly
be called
loss. Identities
are made
of long time traditions, which were “grown” somewhere back in time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the loss that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may blame population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
for may not be a loss at all,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
possibly
be the process of taking up newer identities or augmenting the already cherished ones. It is foolish,
therefore
, to be critical of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
, at least in this way.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mixing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, despite its critics and occasional blemishes, is taking the whole world to a better place.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay "Countries become more developed due to mix of different people and their culture. " v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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