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Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.3

Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 3
In the modern world, many nations are becoming more and more alike, because human being are capable to purchase the same stuff anywhere from the global. Overall, it is more negative developmental than positive. However in the coming paragraph I will explain both developments. Firstly, in the global this is a positive upgrade because is a good way to buy anything in the world and its good facilities. Therefore it perhaps saves life for people. Let me give you an example, I remember in the last month, I purchased a medicine from the USA because it is a USA company and this medicine is not available anywhere in my country. So, as a result, if I don't get this medicine maybe that day I am no more. These sites help me to save my life. Secondly it is affected in employment, although he ruins our culture because the our traditional clothes available in everywhere. As a result, they don’t not respect any national culture. Besides, it is also a fact our economics. For instance, I live in a Pakistan where everyone has a smartphone, but the Pakistani made only mobile and majority people don’t have these phone they use different in my country iPhone as Samsung popular moreover these two companies are American national company furthermore these facts were affected on national background. In conclusion, after analyse all the information I reach in my opinion, I think this development is a more negative effect on our community and every country background.
In the modern world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations are becoming more and more alike,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
human being are capable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the same stuff anywhere from the global.
Overall
, it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
developmental than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
in the coming paragraph I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
both developments.

Firstly
, in the global this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
upgrade
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything in the world and its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
facilities.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it perhaps saves life for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
me give you an example, I remember in the last month, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
a medicine from the USA
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a USA
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and this medicine is not available anywhere in my country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
as a result
, if I don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
this medicine maybe that day I am no more. These sites
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to save my life.

Secondly
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
in employment, although he ruins our culture
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "our traditional" or "the traditional"?
the our traditional
clothes available in everywhere.
As a result
, they
You used a negation after a negated contracted verb. Did you mean simply "don’t"?
don’t not
respect any national culture.
Besides
, it is
also
a fact our economics.
For instance
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a Pakistan where everyone has a smartphone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the Pakistani made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mobile and majority
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don’t have these phone they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in my country iPhone as Samsung popular
moreover
these two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are American national
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
furthermore
these facts were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
on national background.

In conclusion
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
all the information I reach in my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this development is a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on our community and every country background.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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