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Corporal punishment is the best form of discipline. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Corporal punishment is the best form of discipline. v. 1
In this expeditiously transforming technological era, man, the social animal, has covered himself in a shell. Accentuating the supporting side, which believes that today human has become more social, I reckon that that long distance interaction and communication were never so convenient, like they are today. Taking a simple example of Skype, which has made communication around the world smoother compared to the international calls that costed an arm and a leg earlier. Social media on the other hand, plays an eminent role in connecting our long-lost acquaintance and making the world smaller. Although, conversations might be short, but we know what’s happening in our friend’s life, sitting thousand miles away. To embark on the compelling outlook, I believe that nowadays people have become more self-involved and are just allured by the glory on the other side of their phone screens. Propounding the contemporary trend, a person might have 1000 friends on Facebook, but won’t even interact with 100 on a regular basis. Technology has indeed brought people closer, but has also inculcated the ill- habit of sticking to mobile phones or laptops, sidelining the paramount importance of going out and meeting people. To substantiate further, today people-especially the younger generation prefers to stay at home and watch a series on Netflix than going to a public gathering. To summarize the whole argument, I consider that social life of today’s man has deteriorated. Members of the same family might be sitting in the same room, but they are more fascinated by the illusion of social media and technology rather than showing interest in each other’s life. This advancement might have brought people closer on a platform, but have reduced the feeling of empathy. Even though, technology has brought people closer, the level of interaction and the depth of emotion have mitigated and I am in agreement with the statement that people have become less social.
In this
expeditiously
transforming technological era,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
animal, has covered himself in a shell.

Accentuating the supporting side, which believes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
human has become more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
, I reckon that that long distance interaction and communication were never
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
convenient, like they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
. Taking a simple example of Skype, which has made communication around the world smoother compared to the international calls that costed an arm and a leg earlier.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
media
on the other hand
, plays an eminent role in connecting our long-lost acquaintance and making the world smaller. Although, conversations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be short,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we know what’s happening in our friend’s life, sitting thousand miles away.

To embark on the compelling outlook, I believe that nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become more self-involved and are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
allured by the glory on the other side of their phone screens. Propounding the contemporary trend, a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have 1000 friends on Facebook,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
won’t even interact with 100 on a regular basis. Technology has
indeed
brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
closer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
has
also
inculcated the ill- habit of sticking to mobile phones or laptops, sidelining the paramount importance of going out and meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To substantiate
further
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
-
especially
the younger generation prefers to stay at home and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
a series on Netflix than going to a public gathering.

To summarize
the whole argument, I consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
today’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
has deteriorated. Members of the same family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be sitting in the same room,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are more fascinated by the illusion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media and technology
rather
than showing interest in each other’s life. This advancement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
have brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
closer on a platform,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the feeling of empathy.
Even though
, technology has brought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
closer, the level of interaction and the depth of emotion have
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
mitigated and
I am in agreement with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Corporal punishment is the best form of discipline. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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