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Computer Technology is ie getting cheaper and so it is likely that adults will be working from home and children will study from home. Is it a positive or negative development? v.2

Computer Technology is ie getting cheaper and so it is likely that adults will be working from home and children will study from home. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2
As compared to the past decade, technology has drastically revolutionized our lifestyle. In running days, computer inventions are easy to access in terms of cost, in is expected that people will opt-in to work from home; similarly, kids will adapt online studies. I consider this approach a positive development. I shall elaborate my my stance with valid arguments and examples in the following paragraphs. Predominantly, one of the most evident benefit of home based studies and working is cost and time optimization. With the comfort of computer at home, students can take online classes and employees can enjoy home based working. This approach will save time consumed for going to the office or university as well as fuel cost. For example, I have to travel 35 km per side to go to my office that takes around 45 minutes to reach and good amount of fuel everyday. To elucidate my stance further, by adapting this approach, people can benefit from distant learning & can enroll in many courses and certifications which are not available in their country. Similarly, people people who wants to earn extra money can do online jobs from home with the ease of laptop and cheap wifi. I would like to quote my personal example here, I did my Masters through an online University provides distant learning opportunity in parallel to my job. To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, I strongly believe that by utilizing computer technology at home for job and study has enormous advantages and is quite a progressive approach to adapt. Using technology to bring ease in life and maintaining work life balance is a positive phenomenon. In the future, people will tend to prefer online working and studies as compared to conventional ways.
As compared to the past decade, technology has
drastically
revolutionized our lifestyle. In running days, computer inventions are easy to access in terms of cost, in is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will opt-in to work from home;
similarly
, kids will adapt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. I consider this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approach
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development. I shall elaborate
Possible typo: you repeated a word
my my
stance with valid arguments and examples in the following paragraphs.

Predominantly
, one of the most evident benefit of home based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and working
is cost
and time optimization. With the comfort of computer at home, students can take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
classes and employees can enjoy home based working. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approach
will save time consumed for going to the office or university
as well
as fuel cost.
For example
, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
travel 35 km per side to go to my office that takes around 45 minutes to reach and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of fuel
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
.

To elucidate my stance
further
, by adapting this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approach
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can benefit from distant learning
Possible spelling mistake found.
&amp
; can enroll in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
courses and certifications which are not available in their country.
Similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
Did you mean "want"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
wants
to earn extra money can do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
jobs from home with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of laptop and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
Did you mean "Wi-Fi"? (This is the officially approved term by the Wi-Fi Alliance.)
wifi
. I would like to quote my personal example here, I did my Masters through an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
University provides distant learning opportunity in parallel to my job.

To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, I
strongly
believe that by utilizing computer technology at home for job and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
has enormous advantages and is quite a progressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
approach
to adapt. Using technology to bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
in life and maintaining
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
work life
balance is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
phenomenon. In the future,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will tend to prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
working and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
as compared to conventional ways.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Computer Technology is ie getting cheaper and so it is likely that adults will be working from home and children will study from home. Is it a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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