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Computer have changed the way people study. What are the advantages and disadvantages of using computers as study aids? v.1

Computer have changed the way people study. What are the advantages and disadvantages of using computers as study aids? v. 1
In the modern era, it has been observed that the number of people seeking asylum status in rich countries is increasing at a rapid rate and it is the responsibility of developed countries to provide them the permanent status, so that they can live a prosperous life. In the following essay, I advocate my agreement with this statement. First of all, currently there is a war going on in numerous countries, as a result of which, many households had already been destroyed in the bombing. People are forced to live like a slave in their own country and lack basic necessities of daily living like meal, clothes and shelter. To add further, they are living in the camps in the outskirts where there is a danger of life. Furthermore, many people had already died while moving to other countries illegally. For example, in year 2018, the image of 9 years old gone viral on social media, who died while crossing illegally to a European country. It is the need of the hour that the developed countries should open their doors to people who are living a miserable life and constantly living under a fear of death. They should provide them the resident status and also the food, housing and a job, so that, they can improve their living and take care of their family and in return can contribute to the economic growth of that region. To conclude, developed nations should act like a big brother and provide the basic necessities to the people affected by the ongoing war in their own nation.
In the modern era, it has
been observed
that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
seeking asylum status in rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
is increasing at a rapid rate and it is the responsibility of developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to provide them the permanent status,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a prosperous life. In the following essay, I advocate my agreement with this statement.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
currently
there is a war going on in numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
,
as a result
of which,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
households had already been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
in the bombing.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
like a slave in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and lack
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
of daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
like meal, clothes and shelter. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
further
, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the camps in the outskirts where there is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of life.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
while moving to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
illegally
.
For example
, in year 2018, the image of 9 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
gone viral on social media, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
while crossing
illegally
to a European country.

It is the need of the hour that the developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should open their doors to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
a miserable life and
constantly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
under a fear of death. They should provide them the resident status and
also
the food, housing and a job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
and take care of their family and in return can contribute to the economic growth of that region.

To conclude
, developed nations should act like a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
brother and provide the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the ongoing war in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
nation.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Computer have changed the way people study. What are the advantages and disadvantages of using computers as study aids? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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