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Competitiveness among high school children should be encouraged. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Competitiveness among high school children should be encouraged. v. 1
Persuading high school pupils to engage in competitions has been a longstanding topic. I completely agree with this statement, and this essay will further reveal how contests develop the mental mind of children as well as enabling them become responsible and fearless adults that venture into the world in future. Firstly, when students are inspired to partake in competitions, their mental minds grow spontaneously. This is because, these pupils are exposed to extremely challenging conditions in the bid to succeed. Hence, propelling them to reason outside the box and exude ideas beyond their mental age. For instance, in a Nigerian High School, a group of young science undergraduates were involved in an international competition. These scholars were motivated to build a washing machine from the scratch despite not having done anything of that sort before. Therefore, exceeding their mental capacities and emerging as the best. Secondly, when contests are allowed between students, it encourages them to be responsible adults as well as being fearless. This is because, contests come with challenges and obligations to surmount them. These problems, make young adults strong and courageous to face future obstacles. For example, a research done in a Nigerian secondary school in 1994, shows that 70% of young scholars that were inspired to compete in school now work in international companies and are engaged in great exploits globally. To conclude, it is clear that enabling undergraduates to participate in contests help with their mental development also making them become vibrant adults in future.
Persuading high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
pupils to engage in competitions has been a longstanding topic. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement, and this essay will
further
reveal how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
develop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
mind of children
as well
as enabling them become responsible and fearless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
that venture into the world
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

Firstly
, when students
are inspired
to partake in competitions, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
minds grow
spontaneously
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, these pupils
are exposed
to
extremely
challenging conditions in the bid to succeed.
Hence
, propelling them to reason outside the box and exude
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
beyond their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
age.
For instance
, in a Nigerian High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
, a group of young science undergraduates
were involved
in an international competition. These scholars
were motivated
to build a washing machine from the scratch despite not having done anything of that sort
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Therefore
, exceeding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
capacities and emerging as the best.

Secondly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
between students, it encourages them to be responsible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
as well
as being fearless. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with challenges and obligations to surmount them. These problems,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
strong and courageous to face future obstacles.
For example
, a research done in a Nigerian secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in 1994,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 70% of young scholars that
were inspired
to compete in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
work in international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
are engaged
in great exploits globally.

To conclude
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that enabling undergraduates to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contests
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
development
also
making them become vibrant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Competitiveness among high school children should be encouraged. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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