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Competitiveness among high school students should be encouraged. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Competitiveness among high school students should be encouraged. v. 1
These days, many schools are increasing competitions and exams to enhance educational and non-educational interest in their students. I agree with this positive action for the pupil’s bright future. There are several reasons why being competent is so much important in school-age life for children. Firstly, it helps the student to develop their own personality. To elaborate it, competitions always demand from students for critical thinking, owning responsibility and guiding other colleagues to achieve the same goal. For example, a cricket match between two teams of school kids requires the attention of planning of allocating team members on the ground to save from the targeted runs. In addition, the match needs one leader to take the responsibility to manage his team accurately to win in the competition. All of these are beneficial parts in the development of their own personality in the pupils. Secondly, taking part in the competition will increase the interest of students in the study or in any sports activity. Fortunately, sometimes this deep digging involvement in a particular interest converted into their lifetime professionalism. For instance, to achieve the targeted goal in the exam, students require to research on a particular subject to score high. This research sometimes makes pupil more curious about that particular subject and encourage them to do master in the same, and becoming professional such as a wildlife photographer. Lastly, profit from competition helps the student to cover their financial burden. At the end of any competition, there is always a prize for the winner. It might be in the form of a cash reward or a scholarship. Pupils from the poor financial family background can survive their educational expenses needs from it. In conclusion, conducting and encouraging students to take part in the competition at the early age of school life can provide a great addition to their personal, professional and financial life.
These days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
schools are increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
and exams to enhance educational and non-educational interest in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
action for the pupil’s bright future.

There are several reasons why being competent is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in school-age life for children.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personality. To elaborate it,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
always demand from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for critical thinking, owning responsibility and guiding other colleagues to achieve the same goal.
For example
, a cricket match between two teams of school kids requires the attention of planning of allocating team members on the ground to save from the targeted runs.
In addition
, the match needs one leader to take the responsibility to manage his team
accurately
to win in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
. All of these are beneficial parts in the development of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personality in the pupils.

Secondly
, taking part in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
will increase the interest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in the study or in any sports activity.
Fortunately
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
this deep digging involvement in a particular interest converted into their lifetime professionalism.
For instance
, to achieve the targeted goal in the exam,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
require
Did you mean "researching"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to research
on a particular subject to score high. This research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
pupil more curious about that particular subject and encourage them to do master in the same, and becoming professional such as a wildlife photographer.

Lastly
, profit from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to cover their financial burden. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
, there is always a prize for the winner. It might be in the form of a cash reward or a scholarship. Pupils from the poor financial family background can survive their educational expenses needs from it.

In conclusion
, conducting and encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
at the early age of school life can provide a great addition to their personal, professional and financial life.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Competitiveness among high school students should be encouraged. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
312 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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