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Community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes. To what extent do you agree. v.1

Community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes. v. 1
Socializing is very important in today's world. In the high schools programmes, community services should be made mandatory. I totally agree with this statement. Through academy we can educate the students about the importance of helping others. In further paragraphs, I intend to describe my view points. To commence with, the students learn many new skills from participating in programmes held in schools. In curriculum community services should be added to teach children about volunteering for social cause. Through which they get to know the current environment of the place they are living and problems that each individuals are facing in their day to day lives. By such services they develop teamwork, communication skills, the value of money and many more. Secondly, a lot amount of money is spent on school programmes, so by adding community services in can benefit the organization and the person who is seeking help. For instance, many schools distribute winter wears to beggars and poor people to help them to survive in winter. Some school even take the students to blind school, old age homes and shares gifts to all people, which develops a sense of pride and satisfaction in children's life. Moreover, by learning such skills they make the habits of helping others in the future and even outside the school premises they get inspired to conduct such services for needy people. In the conclusion, I would like to say that, high schools are a great platform to organise community services. From schools, students and parents can learn about such services as well as motivated to participate in such events.
Socializing is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world. In the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
should
be made
mandatory. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. Through
The comma is probably missing here: "academy, we".
academy we
can educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
about the importance of helping others. In
further
paragraphs, I intend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
my view points.

To commence with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from participating in
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
held in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. In curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
to teach children about volunteering for social cause. Through which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
environment of the place they are living and problems that each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "individual"?
individuals
are facing in their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. By such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
they develop teamwork, communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, the value of money and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

Secondly
, a lot amount of money
is spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
by adding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in can benefit the organization and the person who is seeking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
distribute winter wears to beggars and poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to survive in winter.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
even take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to blind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age homes and shares gifts to all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which develops a sense of pride and satisfaction in children's life.
Moreover
, by learning such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the habits of helping others in the future and even outside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
premises they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
inspired to conduct such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
for needy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In the conclusion, I would like to say that, high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are a great platform to
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. From
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and parents can learn about such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
as well
as motivated to participate in such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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