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Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it? v.7

Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it? v. 7
The creation of cinema has led it to become one of the major entertainment activities during the 20th century across the globe. However, the current trend indicates that the numbers of people watching films in cinemas have reduced in several nations. This essay will illustrate the causes of this change and will suggest some possible solutions. It is apparent that work pressure is increasing day by day due to the competitive nature of employees. As people spend more time at their jobs, they have less time for entertainment. For instance, in Asian countries such as India and Singapore, employees work around 10 hours a day as mandated by their employers. In addition to that, they spend 1 to 2 hours on average commuting daily. They hardly get spare time to enjoy watching movies. Thus it is obvious that in some societies, people do not get enough opportunity to enjoy movies. This can be solved by restricting work to a maximum of 8 hours a day. Both the government and the employers should come up with a policy that ensures that the workforce is never exploited. Another important reason why some citizens lack interest in going to cinemas is due to the movies focus on unimportant issues. For example, currently, most South Asian movies just gravitate towards making revenue and give less importance to storylines or themes. After watching a film, there is nothing worth studying or accepting from it. By analysing how the film industry concentrates on the wrong aspects of movie making, it is clear why youths are definitely distancing themselves from movies and switching to playing video games in some nations. One way to get rid of this problem is to improve on the aspects which people enjoy, such as storylines or themes. As audience interests differ from region to region, it is up to the regional film industry to identify the demand of their area. As a conclusion, it is apparent that if some measures are taken by governments and industries, cinema attendance can definitely be increased. As a result, the industry can use this as a means of creating social awareness by incorporating important themes in the movies.
The creation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
has led it to become one of the major entertainment activities during the 20th century across the globe.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trend indicates that the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
watching films in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinemas
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
in several nations. This essay will illustrate the causes of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and will suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions.

It is apparent that work pressure is increasing day by day due to the competitive nature of employees. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend more time at their jobs, they have less time for entertainment.
For instance
, in Asian countries such as India and Singapore, employees work around 10 hours a day as mandated by their employers.
In addition
to that, they spend 1 to 2 hours on average commuting daily. They hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
spare time to enjoy watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is obvious that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
societies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
opportunity to enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
. This can
be solved
by restricting work to a maximum of 8 hours a day. Both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and the employers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with a policy that ensures that the workforce is never exploited.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
citizens lack interest in going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinemas
is due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
focus on unimportant issues.
For example
,
currently
, most South Asian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
gravitate towards making revenue and give less importance to storylines or themes. After watching a film, there is nothing worth studying or accepting from it. By
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
how the film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
concentrates on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
making, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
why youths are definitely distancing themselves from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
and switching to playing video games in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations. One way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of this problem is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
on the aspects which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enjoy, such as storylines or themes. As audience interests differ from region to region, it is up to the regional film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
to identify the demand of their area.

As a conclusion, it is apparent that if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures
are taken
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
attendance can definitely
be increased
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
As
a result, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this as a means of creating social awareness by incorporating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
themes in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Cinema attendance in some countries is on the decline. What do you think are the causes of this development and what measures could be taken to solve it? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
362 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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