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Children today spend a lot of time on playing games and they spend little time on sports. What are the reasons and what should be done to tackle the problem? v.1

Children today spend a lot of time on playing games and they spend little time on sports. What are the reasons and what should be done to tackle the problem? v. 1
Nowadays, kids waste more hours on playing games while they invest a little time on playing sports. There are two main reasons, parents’ carelessness and the security of children. Possible solutions would be parents pay more attention on their study as well as play and special incentives to get them more exercising. First, one of the main reasons is parents’ carelessness. Parents bring main income to support their family and they almost exhaust time in working. However, they try to provide them with all facilities and gadgets but restrict outdoor activities. Consequently, these devices can be harmful for their eyesight and cause obesity if they are addicted to watching and play games too much. For instance, my nephew spends 6 to 7 hours in school and extra tuition for 1 to 2 hours, thus, he spends remains hours to play video games without joining some sports. To tackle this issue parents should get high attention at their study and play and thinking and they also ought to go travel with kids at the weekend as a reward for them. This helps children to escape bad habit and stay healthy Second, another reason to consider is the security of children. Parents think outdoor environment is so dangerous, including accidents, bad guys, so they become wary of letting them play outside. As a result, kids become isolated from the benefits of playing outside such as sports. For example, parents keep them engaged indoor and equip their children with video games on computer or smart phone. To tackle this issue, parents should encourage them to go out and participate some outdoor activities such as sport. This is necessary for their physical and mental development. In conclusion, children mostly spend a lot of time on playing games instead of playing sports because of parents’ carelessness and the security of children. Many solutions are for parents to pay more attention on their study and special incentives to get them more exercising. This has a positive effect for the upcoming generation.
Nowadays, kids waste more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
while they invest a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. There are two main reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
carelessness and the security of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Possible solutions would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
pay more attention on their study
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
and special incentives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
them more exercising.

First
, one of the main reasons is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
carelessness.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
bring main income to support their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
family and
they almost exhaust time in working.
However
, they try to provide them with all facilities and gadgets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
restrict outdoor activities.
Consequently
, these devices can be harmful for their eyesight and cause obesity if they
are addicted
to watching and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
too much.
For instance
, my nephew spends 6 to 7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in school and extra tuition for 1 to 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
,
thus
, he spends remains
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
without joining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. To tackle this issue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high attention at their study and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
thinking and
they
also
ought to go travel with kids at the weekend as a reward for them. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to escape
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habit and stay healthy

Second, another reason to consider is the security of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
outdoor environment is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
, including accidents,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
guys,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they become wary of letting them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
outside.
As a result
, kids become isolated from the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them engaged indoor and equip their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computer or smart phone. To tackle this issue,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage them to go out and participate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor activities such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. This is necessary for their physical and mental development.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mostly
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents’
carelessness and the security of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
solutions are for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to pay more attention on their study and special incentives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
them more exercising. This has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect for the upcoming generation.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Children today spend a lot of time on playing games and they spend little time on sports. What are the reasons and what should be done to tackle the problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
335 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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