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Schools don’t do enough to teach students about their health. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Schools don’t do enough to teach students about their health. v. 1
It is trusted that the more viable sharing much information in scientific research, business and the academic world is, the better it is. Whereas others suppose that some information is not straightforward to share due to its importance and preciousness. Both sides of the arguments will be outlined in this essay with a number of reasons On the one hand, it is precise that sharing information or results from those fields mentioned could help their country develop more rapidly. It is from the result that giving data can be extremely handy for those who are experts in each particular sphere to mobilize and take advantage of its accomplishments to help solve some issues which are one of the obstacles to prevent their nation from growing prosperously. For example, take America as a typical example, which is well-known for its feats thanks to the solidarity of every individual who has decided to contribute their initiatives to give the US a hand to soar substantially in every field such as economy, defend, education and so on. On the other hand, some people simultaneously examine that sharing their grey matter which has been accumulated for a plethora of years is wholly unreasonable in some ways. There are a variety of convincing reasons which are explained carefully and the most notable one is the problems about a legitimate amount of money for them. It is still happening because they never want their contributions or attempts to be meaningless. Nonetheless, they also attribute that it is not completely easy to get their valuable results and things like that. For instance, a great deal of people in Vietnam currently does not respect the copyright of each product so that its context has become one of the most popular risks which is directly influencing the general growth in this nation. In conclusion, my opinion is a neutral one. It is extremely important for the world to share knowledge regarding science and business, but it is equally crucial to safeguard the information that is sensitive to companies and the country.
It
is trusted
that the more viable sharing much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in scientific research, business and the academic world is, the better it is. Whereas others suppose that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is not straightforward to share due to its importance and preciousness. Both sides of the arguments will
be outlined
in this essay with a number of reasons

On the one hand, it is precise that sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
or results from those fields mentioned could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their country develop more
rapidly
. It is from the result that giving data can be
extremely
handy for those who are experts in each particular sphere to mobilize and take advantage of its accomplishments to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issues which are one of the obstacles to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
their nation from growing
prosperously
.
For example
, take America as a typical example, which is well-known for its feats thanks to the solidarity of every individual who has decided to contribute their initiatives to give the US a hand to soar
substantially
in every field such as economy, defend, education and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
simultaneously
examine that sharing their
Possible spelling mistake. 'grey' is British English.
grey
matter which has
been accumulated
for a plethora of years is wholly unreasonable in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways. There are a variety of convincing reasons which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
carefully
and the most notable one is the problems about a legitimate amount of money for them. It is
still
happening
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they never want their contributions or attempts to be meaningless. Nonetheless, they
also
attribute that it is not completely easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their valuable results and things like that.
For instance
, a great deal of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Vietnam
currently
does not respect the copyright of each product
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that its context has become one of the most popular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
which is
directly
influencing the general growth in this nation.

In conclusion
, my opinion is a neutral one. It is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the world to share knowledge regarding science and business,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
equally
crucial to safeguard the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that is
sensitive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and the country.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay Schools don’t do enough to teach students about their health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
342 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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