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Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the word. What are your opinions on this: v.1

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the word. What are your opinions on this: v. 1
The violence and crime have been rising significantly since the last century. There are several reasons for these grow, as the population spread, utilization of illegal drugs and others. In my point of view, the crescent playing of violent games, certainly, is also a reason for it. Firstly, when kids have been playing violent games, they learn about rape, assault, physical aggression, robberies and murders since their childhood. Consequently, they familiarize how to do crimes, why to do it and when to do it. For example, when I was a teen, I had a colleague that needed a new cell phone and he did not have money to buy a new one, he saw that in their game the thieves swiped whichever they needed, so he did the same thing and robbed a colleague, as a result, he was expelled from school. Secondly, while playing this kind of play, the people become accustomed a do not respect the others opinions, behaviours and actions. They react violently in front of any action that the others do and they do not like it. For instance, in 2015 a neighbour of mine beats someone’s face because the person did not want to lend him a pencil. Thirdly, the frequent use of violent games might reduce the capacity of judgment of young people, they can reduce the judgment of which behaviour is correct or incorrect. In other words, when a person sees every day a lot of fights, wars and physically damaged, they became used to it, so these kind of behaviour is normal for them. To sum up, the current highest increase in violence and crime has a lot of reasons, and I do believe that the use of violent games for children and teens might be one of these causes, because they learn how to be violent, the loose their capacity to judge what is right or wrong, they became used to violent scenes and to not respect others human being.
The violence and crime have been rising
significantly
since the last century. There are several reasons for these grow, as the population spread, utilization of illegal drugs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
. In my point of view, the crescent playing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
certainly
, is
also
a reason for it.

Firstly
, when kids have been playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, they learn about rape, assault, physical aggression, robberies and murders since their childhood.
Consequently
, they familiarize how to do crimes, why to do it and when to do it.
For example
, when I was a teen, I had a colleague that needed a new cell
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
phone and
he did not have money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a new one, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
that in their game the thieves swiped whichever they needed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he did the same thing and robbed a colleague,
as a result
, he
was expelled
from school.

Secondly
, while playing this kind of play, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
become accustomed
After 'a', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'do' is correct. If 'do' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
a do
not respect the others opinions,
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
and actions. They react
violently
in front of any action that the others
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
do and
they do not like it.
For instance
, in 2015 a
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbour' is British English.
neighbour
of mine beats someone’s face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the person did not want to lend him a pencil.

Thirdly
, the frequent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the capacity of judgment of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the judgment of which
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is correct or incorrect. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, when a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
every day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
fights, wars and
physically
damaged, they became
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is normal for them.

To sum up, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
highest increase in violence and crime has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
reasons, and I do believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for children and teens might be one of these causes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they learn how to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
, the
Did you mean "lose" (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
their capacity to judge what is right or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, they became
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
scenes and to not respect others human being.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the word. What are your opinions on this: v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
329 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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