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Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities world. What are your opinion on this? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.2

Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities world. What are your opinion on this? v. 2
It is an irrefutable that the electronic games play a vital role in the child’s lifestyle and there is no doubt game helps the development of mind. Some people assert that violent games effect badly on teenagers, because of this criminal activity increase. In my opinion, games affect person’s mind, but up-to some extent. In this essay, I intend to support my views before the conclusion can be drawn. There are several reasons why folks interested in violent games. The age of 7 to 8 are under the developing mentality in that group of children constantly learn new things whatever going in their surroundings. Firstly, now a day, teens want something extraordinary graphic games, thrills and actions in a virtual gaming system. It is a fact that gaming company always tries to make action games such as grand theft auto, call of duty and so many. For an instance, according to the surveys in 2018, 80 percent visual games are based on fightings. On the contrary side, people feel that this kind of games badly effect on the world which causes crimes. In my prospective, there are lots of thing which results violence, such as television and vulnerable songs, not only games are responsible for this. Furthermore, We should keep track of our children and gives valuable lesson instead of blaming gaming console. Moreover, the parents should take a monthly report of their baby from school and meet with teachers. To put in a nutshell, I pen down and say that growing crime in the world is the world is a major concern, but we could not raise our finger on virtual console, it is just for enjoyment.
It is an irrefutable that the electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
play a vital role in the child’s lifestyle and there is no doubt game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the development of mind.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
effect
badly
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
because of this
criminal activity increase. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
affect person’s mind,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
up-to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. In this essay, I intend to support my views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the conclusion can
be drawn
.

There are several reasons why folks interested in violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The age of 7 to 8 are under the developing mentality in that group of children
constantly
learn new things whatever going in their surroundings.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a day, teens want something extraordinary graphic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, thrills and actions in a virtual gaming system. It is a fact that gaming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
always tries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
action
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
grand theft auto
,
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
call of duty
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. For an instance, according to the surveys in 2018, 80 percent visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are based
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
fightings
.

On the contrary
side,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
badly
effect on the world which causes crimes. In my prospective, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun thing seems to be countable; consider using: "lots of things".
lots of thing
which results violence, such as television and vulnerable songs, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are responsible for this.
Furthermore
, We should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of our children and gives valuable lesson
instead
of blaming gaming console.
Moreover
, the parents should take a monthly report of their baby from school and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with teachers.

To put in a nutshell, I pen down and say that growing crime in the world is the world is a major concern,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we could not raise our finger on virtual console, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for enjoyment.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities world. What are your opinion on this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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