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Children today are too dependent on computersand electronic entertainment. It would be better toencourage them to spend more time outsideplaying sports and games. Do you agree ordisagree with this statement? Give your opinion. v.1

Children today are too dependent on computersand electronic entertainment. It would be better toencourage them to spend more time outsideplaying sports and games. Give your opinion. v. 1
As a result of the convenience brought by the continuous technological inventions, even a simple computer are equipped with all the multi-functions it takes to searching for information within a short while. Thus, there isn’t a need to be moving out at all, whilst everyone is seen to be using a portable one in hand. At the continuity, the physical movement of children is greatly minimized. Upon the continuous technological inventions, a trend of computers launched in the present market are readily equipped with multifunctions and sensors it takes to be keying by a keyboard. Kids do not need to talk with each other for computers enable them to maximize their time online chat through social media channels. Parents should take the role to guide them the crucial aspect of having entertainment outside home by increasing their time playing with friends. In due course, the leisure time spent outdoor is reduced. It does no good not until kids are urged in maximizing to the extracurricular activities held outdoor areas, there would not a chance of them to stay healthy body and whilst have a relaxing mind by having entertainment outdoors. Schools should arouse their awareness of the vitality of doing sports and having funtime cannot be missed out. Not until then, they obtain a peace of mind after releasing their sweat from playing sports activities, stress is minimized to carry on with their schoolwork once they are all relaxed. Overall, I am convinced that nothing can be more vital than having fun outdoors, as it brings favourable outcomes to interpersonal as well as one’s positive mind.
As a result
of the convenience brought by the continuous technological inventions, even a simple computer
are equipped
with all the multi-functions it takes to searching for information within a short while.
Thus
, there isn’t a need to be moving out at all, whilst everyone is
seen
to be using a portable one in hand. At the continuity, the physical movement of children is
greatly
minimized.

Upon the continuous technological inventions, a trend of computers launched in the present market are
readily
equipped with
multifunctions
and sensors it takes to be keying by a keyboard. Kids do not need to talk with each other for computers enable them to maximize their time online chat through social media channels. Parents should take the role to guide them the crucial aspect of
having
entertainment outside home by increasing their time playing with friends. In due course, the leisure time spent
outdoor
is
reduced
.

It does no
good
not until kids
are urged
in maximizing to the extracurricular activities held
outdoor
areas, there would not a chance of them to stay healthy body and whilst have a relaxing mind by
having
entertainment
outdoors
. Schools should arouse their awareness of the vitality of doing sports and
having
funtime
cannot
be missed
out. Not until then, they obtain a peace of mind after releasing their sweat from playing sports activities,
stress
is minimized
to carry on with their schoolwork once they are all relaxed.

Overall
, I
am convinced
that nothing can be more vital than
having
fun
outdoors
, as it brings
favourable
outcomes to interpersonal
as well
as one’s
positive
mind.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Children today are too dependent on computersand electronic entertainment. It would be better toencourage them to spend more time outsideplaying sports and games. Give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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