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Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional past times than spending all day indoors. v.4

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional past times than spending all day indoors. v. 4
Computers have revolutionised the way we learn, travel, work and socialise. Advancement of technology in this domain has given birth to smartphones, tablets, mp3 players and other gadgets that are not only a great source of entertainment but are instrumental in fetching valuable information. One cannot imagine living without them in this modern era. People believe that children are getting more dependent on these electronic devices which are alarming and we should persuade them to participate in other outdoor physical activities. Though this move is laudable but I don't agree fully. This essay will analyse the merits of both views before presenting an opinion. People believe that young one of the society should take part in physical sports. Proponents of this view point say that physical activities make them mentally strong and physically fit. Playing sports and different games is instrumental in learning the art of teamwork, develops skills vital for competitions and nourish their leadership qualities. Moreover, it develops their stamina, improves metabolism, sharpens their reflexes and brace them to face everyday life challenges. It has been medically proven that the rays emitting from these electronic devices are not good for human vision. Furthermore, one can truly enjoy the game by playing it physically. For instance, football, the game is different on the field where it requires stamina and passion compared to few mouse clicks over the computer. Apart from that, it helps people to socialise, a trend missing in our present generation. On the contrary, electronic gadgets like computers, notebooks, smartphones etc play an important role to improve the mental abilities and intellectuality of a child if used wisely. Children can play different mind games that improve their thinking power, decision-making skills and harness creativity and innovation. Moreover, physical games and entertainment can lead to harmful injuries which can be fatal. For instance, parents in Karachi usually prefer their children to spend time at home due to fear of terrorism and abduction for ransom. To recapitulate, the aforementioned provides plausible arguments for both views. However, I personally believe that both computers and physical activities are of equal importance and one should focus on maintaining the right balance and getting positive outcomes.
Computers have
revolutionised
the way we learn, travel, work and
socialise
. Advancement of technology in this domain has
given
birth to smartphones, tablets, mp3 players and other gadgets that are not
only
a great source of entertainment
but
are instrumental in fetching valuable information. One cannot imagine living without them in this modern era.
People
believe that children are getting more dependent on these electronic devices which are
alarming and
we should persuade them to participate in other outdoor
physical
activities. Though this
move
is laudable
but
I don't
agree
fully
. This essay will
analyse
the merits of both views
before
presenting an opinion.

People
believe that young one of the society should
take part
in
physical
sports. Proponents of this view point say that
physical
activities
make
them mentally strong and
physically
fit. Playing sports and
different
games
is instrumental in learning the art of teamwork, develops
skills
vital for competitions and nourish their leadership qualities.
Moreover
, it develops their stamina,
improves
metabolism, sharpens their reflexes and brace them to face everyday life challenges. It has been
medically
proven that the rays emitting from these electronic devices are not
good
for human vision.
Furthermore
, one can
truly
enjoy the game by playing it
physically
.
For instance
, football, the game is
different
on the field where it requires stamina and passion compared
to
few mouse clicks over the computer. Apart from that, it
helps
people
to
socialise
, a trend missing in our present generation.

On the contrary
, electronic gadgets like computers, notebooks, smartphones etc play an
important
role to
improve
the mental abilities and
intellectuality
of a child if
used
wisely
. Children can play
different
mind
games
that
improve
their thinking power, decision-making
skills
and harness creativity and innovation.
Moreover
,
physical
games
and entertainment can lead to harmful injuries which can be fatal.
For instance
, parents in Karachi
usually
prefer their children to spend time at home due to fear of terrorism and abduction for ransom.

To recapitulate, the aforementioned provides plausible arguments for both views.
However
, I
personally
believe that both computers and
physical
activities are of equal importance and one should focus on maintaining the right balance and getting
positive
outcomes.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional past times than spending all day indoors. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
363 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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