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Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional past times than spending all day indoors. v.6

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional past times than spending all day indoors. v. 6
In this sophisticated contemporary world, computers and electronic entertainment have become phenomenal entertainment factors and nowadays everyone has started using these devices. Technology is being used in the daily life of children and they are very much depending on it. This kind of attitude drains the enthusiasms which we get from outdoor games. I totally agree with the idea of playing outside for children. Many children spend hours on computers and electronic entertainment because they are addicted to such games and it reduces their interest in playing games outdoors. This trend can eliminate the playing of games and sports as children are not participating in it. In recent years, many online games have started and there we can see all kind of games. Social media are also supporting and developing new games, which many got addicted to. Furthermore, this kind of enthusiastic enjoyment would affect the children’s health and fitness. A healthy body can lead to a healthy mind and helps young kids to study and perform well in life. These days technology brings many play station games like football, cricket etc. These games should be played in a playground, not on a digital screen. Playing on computers and other media comes a lack of exercise and it would make them weak and from child obesity. These kinds of trend become problems to social life also. Children playing outside with friends can easily mingle with social life. They will make good friends and able to understand the society very well, so they can behave as a responsible human being. Outdoors games help them to work in groups and show the spirit of teamwork. To sum-up, I believe that playing games on grounds help children more than playing games depending on technologies. We should be in touch with the technology and so keeping a certain time for playing games on computers would not harm. But total dependency on computer games is harmful. Indeed playing outdoors helps children to be healthy and fit. It also entertains them and helps to refresh their mind and body.
In this sophisticated contemporary world, computers and electronic entertainment have become phenomenal entertainment factors and nowadays everyone has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
using these devices.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Technology
is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the daily life of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
children and
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much depending on it. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of attitude drains the enthusiasms which we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside for children.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend hours on computers and electronic entertainment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are addicted
to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
their interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
. This trend can eliminate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and sports as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not participating in it. In recent years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
and there we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Social media are
also
supporting and developing new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
addicted to.
Furthermore
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kind
of enthusiastic enjoyment would affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health and fitness. A healthy body can lead to a healthy mind and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
young kids to study and perform well in life.

These
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
play station
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like football, cricket etc. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
should
be played
in a playground, not on a digital screen.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
on computers and other media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
a lack of exercise and it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them weak and from child obesity. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kinds
of trend become problems to social life
also
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside with friends can
easily
mingle with social life. They will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
friends and able to understand the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can behave as a responsible human being.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Outdoors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to work in groups and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the spirit of teamwork.

To sum-up, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on grounds
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
depending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. We should be in touch with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
keeping a certain time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on computers would not harm.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
total dependency on computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is harmful.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Indeed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be healthy and fit. It
also
entertains them and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to refresh their mind and body.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
47Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional past times than spending all day indoors. v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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