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Children should not be permitted to watch television at the school. Discuss the pros and cons of the practice. v.1

Children should not be permitted to watch television at the school. Discuss the pros and cons of the practice. v. 1
One of issues about which parents and teachers are currently concerned is that youngster at the school should not be allowed to watch television. The suggestion, nonetheless, does lead to not only benefits but also problems. One plus point can be that the ban of watching television is able to prevent students from negative effects from sex, crime and violence. To illustrate with, viewers sometimes imitate the violent, sexual or other risky behaviors they see on television. As a result, they might end up in trouble, in prison, or in the hospital as well. Another advantage is that the practice of restriction of watching television is believed to increase the great amount of time for taking out-door activities which are good for children's health and the social communication with their classmates as well as their parents. For example, as young people spend time doing houseworks, playing sport or enriching hobbies like art, music and cooking, they would be physically active and generate long-lasting relationship with their colleges who can help them with their studies. As for the downside, the most commonly-mentioned of all is the problem that children might suffer a loss of the useful source of educational programs which have perfect visual and audio effects. In particular, these television programs such as Discovery and Disneyland Cartoons would enhance their knowledge ad make them more aware of the surrounding world. Therefore, students can balance both educational and entertainment purposes to develop their brain completely and to encourage them to pursue their future dreams. In a nutshell, there is no denying that there is a limited access of watching television for children has both pluses and minuses as discussed earlier. However, I am convinced that the former can outweigh the latter when both parents and children aware of problems which may arise and make good preparation for them.
One of issues about which parents and teachers are
currently
concerned is that youngster at the school should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. The suggestion, nonetheless, does lead to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
problems.

One plus point can be that the ban of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
students from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects from sex, crime and violence. To illustrate with, viewers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
imitate the violent, sexual or other risky behaviors they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
As a result
, they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in trouble, in prison, or in the hospital
as well
.

Another advantage is that the practice of restriction of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is believed
to increase the great amount of time for taking out-door activities which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for children's health and the social communication with their classmates
as well
as their parents.
For example
, as young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend time doing
Possible spelling mistake found.
houseworks
, playing sport or enriching hobbies like art, music and cooking, they would be
physically
active and generate long-lasting relationship with their colleges who can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them with their studies.

As for the downside, the most
commonly
-mentioned of all is the problem that children might suffer a loss of the useful source of educational programs which have perfect visual and audio effects.
In particular
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
programs such as Discovery and Disneyland Cartoons would enhance their knowledge ad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more aware of the surrounding world.
Therefore
, students can balance both educational and entertainment purposes to develop their brain completely and to encourage them to pursue their future dreams.

In a nutshell, there is no denying that there is
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "limited access".
a limited access
of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
for children has both pluses and minuses as discussed earlier.
However
, I
am convinced
that the former can outweigh the latter when both parents and children aware of problems which may arise and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
preparation for them.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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Munia Khan

IELTS essay Children should not be permitted to watch television at the school. Discuss the pros and cons of the practice. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
307 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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