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Children nowadays watch significantly more television than in the past which reduces their activity levels accordingly. Why is this the case? v.3

Children nowadays watch significantly more television than in the past which reduces their activity levels accordingly. Why is this the case? v. 3
Over the last few decades, increased the rate of children who spend all of the day in front of the TV. The majority of the young generation prefers sitting at home by spending their time for watching television instead of doing outdoor activities, this global problem cause an effect on the child’s development. In the first place, nowadays TV programs overcrowded by interesting and knowledgeable programs and cartoons, which can be interesting for children. All programs scheduled and kids can spend the whole day by watching cartoons and movies. It would be difficult for children leaving TV, because day by day they can enjoy of watching their favourite cartoons. Actually, TV consists of different types of channels as Disney, because of this they can find a lot of reasons for watching television. On the other hand, spending a plenty of time at home and watching TV problematic for children, because of this parent try to find the solution and how to teach them to control their time, because they should play games, study. Children’s time should to be scheduled because they are developing and opening new doors for life, they learn how to live, the reason of this they should limit their TV turn. Children can do physical activities, read books and enjoy their free time, because in the future they will do a lot of homework. To sum up, children can watch TV, but they should control that time. Firstly, parents should to be concentrated on their development and health after which their entertainment.
Over the last few decades, increased the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who spend
Consider using "all the".
all of the
day in front of the TV. The majority of the young generation prefers sitting at home by spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for watching television
instead
of doing outdoor activities, this global problem cause an effect on the child’s development.

In the
first
place, nowadays TV programs overcrowded by interesting and knowledgeable programs and cartoons, which can be interesting for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. All programs scheduled and kids can spend the whole day by watching cartoons and movies. It would be difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
leaving TV,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
day by day they can enjoy of watching their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
cartoons. Actually, TV consists of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of channels as Disney,
because of this
they can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
reasons for watching television.

On the other hand
, spending a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home and watching TV problematic for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
because of this
parent try to find the solution and how to teach them to control their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should play games, study.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should to
be scheduled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are developing and opening new doors for life, they learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
, the reason of this they should limit their TV turn.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
can do physical activities, read books and enjoy their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the future they will do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
homework.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should control that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Firstly
, parents should to
be concentrated
on their development and health after which their entertainment.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Children nowadays watch significantly more television than in the past which reduces their activity levels accordingly. Why is this the case? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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