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children in some parts of world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. some people think this is a positive change. However others think of it as negative change. what is your opinion v.1

children in some parts of world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. some people think this is a positive change. However others think of it as negative change. what is your opinion v. 1
Many try to have success at work and spend enough time with their family. The main problem this causes is exhausting and the most viable solution is a public awareness campaign warning people about the dangers of working too hard. The principal problem associated with trying to spend time with your loved ones and be a success in your career is people tend to burn out. Burnout is when people are both mentally and physically tired to the point that they can no longer continue. The result of this is often physical and mental health problems, which in turn can cause the breakdown of a family or poor performance at work. For example, a recent government survey found that 82% of CEOs felt they did not spend enough quality time with their children because they often felt too tired when they returned home. To tackle this problem the government should launch a publicity campaign in the media and in schools to educate people about the dangers of working long hours and not spending enough time with your kin. Many people are afraid to ask their boss for time off work because of the stigma surrounding people who work less hours than normal and they might also feel like they can't talk to their family about this issue. An awareness campaign could shed some light on this difficult situation and allow people to be more open and honest about it. For example, a similar initiative in Japan resulted in a 52% decrease in people calling in sick to work because of mental fatigue. In conclusion, striking the right balance between home life and working life is a major issue that can result in people working themselves so hard that they can't perform either role, however it can be addressed through educating people about the dangers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
try to have success at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their family. The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
this causes is exhausting and the most viable solution is a public awareness campaign warning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

The principal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
associated with trying to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones and be a success in your career is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to burn out. Burnout is when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are both mentally and
physically
tired to the point that they can no longer continue. The result of this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
physical and mental health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, which in turn can cause the breakdown of a family or poor performance at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For example
, a recent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
survey found that 82% of CEOs felt they did not spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
felt too tired when they returned home.

To tackle this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should launch a publicity campaign in the media and in schools to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
long hours and not spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with your kin.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are afraid to ask their boss for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
off
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the stigma surrounding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
Did you mean "fewer hours"?
less hours
than
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
normal and
they might
also
feel like they can't talk to their family about this issue. An awareness campaign could shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on this difficult situation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be more open and honest about it.
For example
, a similar initiative in Japan resulted in a 52% decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
calling in sick to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mental fatigue.

In conclusion
, striking the right balance between home life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
life is a major issue that can result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
that they can't perform either role,
however
it can
be addressed
through educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay children in some parts of world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. some people think this is a positive change. However others think of it as negative change. what is your opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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