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People's behaviour is largely determined by forces not of their own making. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supp v.1

People's behaviour is largely determined by forces not of their own making. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supp v. 1
Some people believe that by virtue of improvement of medical care, life expectancy is growing. From my perspective, the advantages of this trend will outstrip disadvantages. On the one hand, there are several drawbacks of longer life expectancy. The most obvious evidence is that the more elderly people the societies have, the more doctors and nursing staff the societies need. This is because senior people are prone to get diseases; as a result, there are many patients at hospitals. Additionally, governments and some insurance companies will have to spend a large number of money on pension insurance and pension income in a long time, so, in the future, pension income and pension insurance are able to be removed because governments and the companies lost a lot of funds. On the other hand, I think that benefits that the societies get outweigh the drawbacks. First, older people are likely to support their children. For example, the support of oldsters in caring for babies may help young people reduce a burden, since young people are busy with their jobs every day. Furthermore, the elders may aid their children in doing housework or in teaching grandchildren cultural and moral values. Second, governments have the benefits from older people. They may make them more productive by increasing the retirement age or by employing them in non-labour work. For instance, in Vietnam, many senior people work at commune people's committees when they retire from their former jobs. In conclusion, although longer life expectancy is not without disadvantages, I think that the upsides will justify these.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that by virtue of improvement of medical care, life expectancy is growing. From my perspective, the advantages of this trend will outstrip disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are several drawbacks of longer life expectancy. The most obvious evidence is that the more elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the societies have, the more doctors and nursing staff the societies need. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
diseases;
as a result
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
patients at hospitals.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
insurance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pension
insurance and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pension
income in a long time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, in the future,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pension
income and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pension
insurance are able to
be removed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
lost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
funds.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that benefits that the societies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
outweigh the drawbacks.
First
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are likely to support their children.
For example
, the support of oldsters in caring for babies may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
a burden, since young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are busy with their jobs every day.
Furthermore
, the elders may aid their children in doing housework or in teaching grandchildren cultural and moral values. Second,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have the benefits from older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more productive by increasing the retirement age or by employing them in
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-labour
work.
For instance
, in Vietnam,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work at commune
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's committees when they retire from their former jobs.

In conclusion
, although longer life expectancy is not without disadvantages, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the upsides will justify these.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
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IELTS essay People's behaviour is largely determined by forces not of their own making. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supp v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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