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Children in many countries are getting involved in paid jobs. Some people think that it is a positive trend as those children are gaining valuable work experience and are becoming responsible from an early state of their lives. Others, however, show their concern and argue that this is completely wrong. v.1

Children in many countries are getting involved in paid jobs. Some people think that it is a positive trend as those children are gaining valuable work experience and are becoming responsible from an early state of their lives. Others, however, show their concern and argue that this is completely wrong. v. 1
It is depicted that children of many countries are working in some paid jobs. However, it is considered by some that this policy is not suitable for children and it is totally a wrong decision; on the other hand, this is refuted by others and they think that it is one of the significant policies from where children can attain vital work experience and can learn to take the responsibility. These meaningful arguments will be analysed with precise logic before presenting a reasonable conclusion. On the one hand, today, some hold the idea that children should not waste their valuable time in order to do some kind of paid employments for several reasons. Firstly, children need concentration because it is crucial for education. When any student get involves with paid service, these children will lose their enthusiasm, and possibly most of the children will not be able to return to schools and university. Secondly, higher education in some countries is very competitive in terms of the number of the university in the sense that some countries have a few numbers of universities. Thus, children should not embark with jobs. On the other hand, it is agreed that children can get indispensable work experience and can learn responsibility while they will work with paid service. Not only can the children become skills, but also they will earn a lot of money. As long as they want to study at higher education level, this money is essential for children. As an example, the students of the western countries such as the USA, the UK, Australia, Canada etc. are engaging with the paid service since the tuition fees of these countries are very high. Moreover, the early work experience teaches the children about responsibility, which may have brought immense boon of their future life. Therefore, children should endeavour some types of jobs besides of their education. In conclusion, it is explicit that the both views are essential for children. However, involving with work of a student is a good idea in the sense that it can bring bright future. In my opinion, the tremendous benefits of the policy fortify my argument that it is more auspicious.
It
is depicted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are working in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
jobs.
However
, it
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that this policy is not suitable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and it is
totally
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision;
on the other hand
, this
is refuted
by
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
others and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is one of the significant policies from where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can attain vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience and can learn to take the responsibility. These meaningful arguments will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
with precise logic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
presenting a reasonable conclusion.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hold the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not waste their valuable time in order to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
employments for several reasons.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need concentration
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is crucial for education. When any student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involves with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
service, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will lose their enthusiasm, and
possibly
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not be able to return to schools and university.
Secondly
, higher education in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive in terms of the number of the university in the sense that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have a few numbers of universities.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not embark with jobs.

On the other hand
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
indispensable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience and can learn responsibility while they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
service. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they will earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money. As long as they want to study at higher education level, this money is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As an example, the students of the western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as the USA, the UK, Australia, Canada etc. are engaging with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
service since the tuition fees of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high.
Moreover
, the early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience teaches the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about responsibility, which may have brought immense boon of their future life.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
types of jobs
besides
of their education.

In conclusion
, it is explicit that the both views are essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
However
, involving with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
of a student is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
in the sense that it can bring bright future. In my opinion, the tremendous benefits of the policy fortify my argument that it is more auspicious.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Children in many countries are getting involved in paid jobs. Some people think that it is a positive trend as those children are gaining valuable work experience and are becoming responsible from an early state of their lives. Others, however, show their concern and argue that this is completely wrong. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
363 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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