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Children in many countries are eating more fast food and convenience snacks. Why are children doing this and how serious are the consequences? v.2

Children in many countries are eating more fast food and convenience snacks. Why are children doing this and how serious are the consequences? v. 2
Nowadays, children are opting more and more junk foods over homemade foods. Although, such food has less nutritional value when compared to the homemade items, but still, the trend of eating fast food is catching fast among the younger generation. There are numerous reasons that are driving children towards unhealthy options. To begin with, parents these days have long working hours and have less time to prepare food at home. Furthermore, more fast food shops are being opened every day at every corner of the street and these shops are easily approachable and reasonably priced. Thus children these days are trying these options and the fast food consumption is increasing fast. Moreover, eating at restaurants has also become a part of the status symbol among youngsters and as a result, young kids are spending a significant share of their pocket money at these places. Such an overconsumption of fast food can impact the health of the children. As the fast food is generally fried to taste good, thus having more of fried food can increase cholesterol which in turn puts a bad effect on the functioning of the heart. When a food is fried, it loses its nutritional value, which leads to fatigue. Having junk food often can make children obese which is the main reason behind many health problems. To sum up, even though fast food is easily available and not overpriced, it has less nutritional content. Consuming junk food can make children obese and increase health issues. Therefore, it is advisable to eat to homemade nutritious food item than fast food for a fit and healthy life.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are opting more and more junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
over homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
. Although, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
has less nutritional value when compared to the homemade items,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
, the trend of eating
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fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is catching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
among the younger generation. There are numerous reasons that are driving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
towards unhealthy options.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, parents these days have long working hours and have less time to prepare
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food
at home.
Furthermore
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
shops are
being opened
every day at every corner of the street and these shops are
easily
approachable and
reasonably
priced.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
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children
these days are trying these options and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumption is increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
.
Moreover
, eating at restaurants has
also
become a part of the status symbol among youngsters and
as a result
, young kids are spending a significant share of their pocket money at these places.

Such an overconsumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can impact the health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
generally
fried to taste
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
,
thus
having more of fried
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food
can increase cholesterol which in turn puts a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect on the functioning of the heart. When a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is fried
, it loses its nutritional value, which leads to fatigue. Having junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obese which is the main reason behind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems.

To sum up,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is
easily
available and not overpriced, it has less nutritional content. Consuming junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obese and increase health issues.
Therefore
, it is advisable to eat to homemade nutritious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
Use "(item)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
item
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for a fit and healthy life.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Children in many countries are eating more fast food and convenience snacks. Why are children doing this and how serious are the consequences? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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