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Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v.7

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 7
By rapid industrialization and augmentation of societies, people are under stress and strain and children are not except from this paradigm. They are under pressure from diverse views, for instance education, society also commercial issues. There seem to be two root causes involved in this kind of pressures, and variety of methods should be thought through to decline them, which we will discuss here succinctly. One of the major causes is nothing but milieu where they live and educate. The atmosphere of house and school are so stressful nowadays, it is owing to parents and teachers. They always ask children to study diligently to get conspicuous score in their exam. Most of the time teachers deliver hard and sophisticated homework to children, and unfortunately, parents, in the light of endorsing teacher, coerce children to do them. Sometimes children will get deprived of some leisure activities unless they do attend to doing them. Other cause relates to their friend and places they marshal with their friend in, I. e. Rendezvous. It might seem that while having been under surveillance, they could not have own social life and make friends independently. Parents curb to whom their offspring hang out as well as to where they want to go. These pressures could be declined just by some practical and plausible measures. Parents need to know that every child has own ability and they had not better be coerced to get down on works which they do not like. About opting friends, parents should not meddle with, but it is better to give them some suggestion. If the worst comes to the worst, they can aid their children. Parent let their children hang out with their friends, on top of that aid their children to make quality time with family memberships. To recapitulate briefly, although today's children are pressurized from some directions, such as academic, social and etc. , and most part of those directly relate to the anxiousness of parents, there are some measures to control them, namely more attention and giving more freedom.
By rapid industrialization and augmentation of societies,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and strain and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not except from this paradigm. They are under pressure from diverse views,
for instance
education, society
also
commercial issues. There seem to be two root causes involved in this kind of pressures, and variety of methods should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
through to decline them, which we will discuss here
succinctly
.

One of the major causes is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
milieu where they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and educate. The atmosphere of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and school are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
stressful nowadays, it is owing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers. They always ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to study
diligently
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
conspicuous score in their exam. Most of the time teachers deliver
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and sophisticated homework to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and unfortunately,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, in the light of endorsing teacher, coerce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do them.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
deprived of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
leisure activities unless they do attend to doing them. Other cause relates to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
and places they marshal with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
in,
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
I. e.
Rendezvous. It might seem that while having been under surveillance, they could not have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
social life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
independently
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
curb to whom their offspring hang out
as well
as to where they want to go.

These pressures could
be declined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
practical and plausible measures.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
need to know that every child has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ability and
they had not
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "bettered", "welled".
better
be coerced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
down on works which they do not like. About opting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not meddle with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is better to give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suggestion. If the worst
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the worst, they can aid their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
hang out with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
,
on top of that
aid their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
quality time with family memberships.

To recapitulate
briefly
, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are pressurized
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
directions, such as academic, social
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
and most part of those
directly
relate to the anxiousness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to control them,
namely
more attention and giving more freedom.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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