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Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v.1

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 1
In recent times, the pressures children are going through are becoming an issue for concern. These pressures result from academic, social and commercial viewpoint. Most children now spend many hours learning each day and some due to their peers, desire gadgets their parents are unable to afford. Parents, school authorities and the government have role to play to ensure these issues can be minimized. A major cause of this is, many children spend about ten hours every weekday studying. Their parents enrol them in extra classes after the normal school hours. Also, some schools’ authorities force their students to take extra lessons by my making it compulsory for all. These children are kept in in classes for a long time. They do not encourage them to participate in extra-curriculum activities, which will help them ease up from their studies Furthermore, students and pupils are exposed to peer pressures. They want to appear like their classmates whose parents are rich. This means purchasing the same type of footwear, watches or mobile phones. These clothing or gadget are usually luxury items their parents cannot afford. To illustrate, a student was caught stealing from a store in Lagos and after some investigation, it was discovered that he wanted the items because many of his friends in school owned it, and his parent refused to get it for him. Thurs, he decided to steal it so that he can fit in. There are measures that should be employed to reduce the stress children are facing today. The government should ensure schools incorporate sport activities in their curriculum, and there should be easy access to a playground if they do not have such facility within the premises. School authorities should reduce extra classes taken after school, it should only be for those who require it. Moreover, guardians should encourage their wards to partake in other activities such as music and dancing. They should be taught how to be contented with what they have and treat their classmate equally irrespective of their possessions. This would reduce the pressure on them. In conclusion, although children are faced with many challenges from different areas, the society they find themselves indirectly mounted it on them. Time should be allocated for extra-curriculum activities, and they should understand when their parents are unable to buy unnecessary items for them.
In recent times, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are going through are becoming an issue for concern. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
result from academic, social and commercial viewpoint. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours learning each day and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
due to their peers, desire gadgets their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are unable to afford.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
have role to play to ensure these issues can
be minimized
.

A major cause of this is,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend about ten hours every weekday studying. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
enrol them in extra classes after the normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
hours.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools’
authorities force their students to take extra lessons by my making it compulsory for all. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
Possible typo: you repeated a word
in in
classes for a long time. They do not encourage them to participate in extra-curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
up from their
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
studies


Furthermore
, students and pupils
are exposed
to peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressures
. They want to appear like their classmates whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are rich. This means purchasing the same type of footwear,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
or mobile phones.
Did you mean "this clothing" or "These clothings"?
These clothing
or gadget are
usually
luxury items their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
cannot afford. To illustrate, a student
was caught
stealing from a store in Lagos and after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
investigation, it
was discovered
that he wanted the items
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of his friends in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
it, and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
refused to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it for him. Thurs, he decided to steal it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that he can fit in.

There are measures that should
be employed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are facing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
incorporate sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their curriculum, and there should be easy access to a playground if they do not have such facility within the premises.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
authorities should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
extra classes taken after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be for those who require it.
Moreover
, guardians should encourage their wards to partake in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as music and dancing. They should
be taught
how to
be contented
with what they have and treat their classmate
equally
irrespective of their possessions. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
on them.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are faced
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas, the society they find themselves
indirectly
mounted it on them. Time should
be allocated
for extra-curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, and they should understand when their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unnecessary items for them.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
388 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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