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Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v.3

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 3
It is commonly said that today’s children was pressurized as were yesterday’s adults. That’s true in the sense that children are facing harder and harder academic, social and commercial challenges. It happens simply because of the ever increasing demands of life, from the same perspectives, in humans in general. While it is important that children excel in their age to become successful as adults, they must be shielded from the mounting pressure by maintaining a balance between material and psychological growth. As the global village becomes more and more competitive every day, it becomes important for us to prepare for the fight, so to speak, earlier and earlier. This is realized by all, which triggers societies to push their juveniles during their learning stage. The other thing that has contributed to this ever rising pressure on children is the lack institutional opportunities, especially in developing countries. Now, more than ever, children are having to race each other for reaching the privilege of higher education. While healthy competition is helpful for the psycho-social development of young ones, it is rather unhealthy when the race becomes more prominent than the objective. Of course the objective of children competing against each other ideally is bringing the best out of themselves. But, very frequently, a child is compelled to compete for becoming better than the other. In other words, the competition becomes a brawl rather than being a sprint. To stop such spiteful struggle among our young, we must first establish a sense of camaraderie within all our developmental institutions, such as schools and colleges. Students must contest for academic betterment, not social supremacy. Also, parents should get proactively involved in promoting sportsmanship among learners. They must not allow vile aggressiveness and their own vengefulness in the lives of their children. To sustain such social reformation the government must establish ample alternatives to the traditional route to success. The conclusion here is simple. The children today are being put into a ‘survival-of-the fittest’ situation much earlier than they must be when they should really be trying to do their best. Such untimely loss of innocence is only going to make civilization more antagonistic. Therefore we must ensure that personal development may be ushered in harmony and not in vile rivalry.
It is
commonly
said that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
was pressurized
as were yesterday’s adults.

That’s true in the sense that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are facing harder and harder academic, social and commercial challenges. It happens
simply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
ever increasing
demands of life, from the same perspectives, in humans
in general
. While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
excel in their age to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
successful as adults, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be shielded
from the mounting pressure by maintaining a balance between material and psychological growth.

As the global village
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
more and more competitive every day, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us to prepare for the fight,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
to speak, earlier and earlier. This
is realized
by all, which triggers societies to push their juveniles during their learning stage. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
thing that has contributed to this ever rising pressure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is the lack institutional opportunities,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, more than ever,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are having to race each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
for reaching the privilege of higher education.

While healthy competition is helpful for the psycho-social development of young ones, it is
rather
unhealthy when the race
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
more prominent than the objective.
Of course
the objective of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
competing against each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ideally
is bringing the best out of themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
frequently
, a child
is compelled
to compete for becoming better than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the competition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
a brawl
rather
than being a sprint.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
such spiteful struggle among our young, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
first
establish a sense of camaraderie within all our developmental institutions, such as schools and colleges. Students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
contest for academic betterment, not social supremacy.
Also
, parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
proactively
involved in promoting sportsmanship among learners. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
vile aggressiveness and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake found.
vengefulness
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To sustain such social reformation the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
establish ample alternatives to the traditional route to success.

The conclusion here is simple. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are
being put
into a ‘survival-of-the fittest’ situation much earlier than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be when they should
really
be trying to do their best. Such
untimely
loss of innocence is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
civilization more antagonistic.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
ensure that personal development may
be ushered
in harmony and not in vile rivalry.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 3

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
376 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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