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Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce this? v.6

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce this? v. 6
It is argued that the amount of stress of academic, social and commercial that children have to suffer is increasing today. In my opinion, I believe that this situation is caused by many reasons and I will suggest some reasonable solutions to solve this issue. There are several reasons why children are experiencing the pressure from a wide range of aspects. Firstly, I assume that academic pressure is the main one for children. Schools nowadays are competitive environment, students not only must face pressure by teachers but also by themselves. For example, to promote the sense of learning of students, many teachers created a ranking system, they publicize the scores of students and arrange them from high to low respectively. And a student who gets a quite high score may be still felt stress because his or her score may lower than the peers. As a result, an invisible pressure always causes them learning like crazy. Secondly, the social pressure, especially from parents has strongly affected their spirit. Parents now often set an ideal model and hope their child to be like that. Therefore, they put high expectation for children and it inadvertently become the pressure for their children. Thirdly, commercial pressure also is one of the factors raise stress for students. Children who are the most easily affected subjects love watching advertisements. So that commercial pressure simply comes to children through marketing programs and advertisements which target them to some difficult standards. Consequently, these standards unconsciously discourage children from being themselves. I also believe that there are some effective solutions for this problem. The education system needs to be transformed. What students learned should be put on the top instead of scores. Simultaneously, parents need to lower their expectations and develop children true potential, they have to know that studying is not all about the success of their children in the future. Furthermore, the authorities should limit the advertisements aiming at children and harder check the content of them before publishing. In conclusion, there are a great amount number of reasons which causing the pressure for children, but it still can be solved. I hope governments and sociality will seriously pay more attention in this matter in the future.
It
is argued
that the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of academic, social and commercial that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer is increasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. In my opinion, I believe that this situation
is caused
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons and I will suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasonable solutions to solve this issue.

There are several reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are experiencing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
from a wide range of aspects.
Firstly
, I assume that academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
is the main one for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Schools nowadays are competitive environment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
face
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
by teachers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
by themselves.
For example
, to promote the sense of learning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
teachers created a ranking system, they publicize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scores
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and arrange them from high to low
respectively
. And a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a quite high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
score
may be
still
felt
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
score
may lower than the peers.
As a result
, an invisible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
always causes them learning like crazy.
Secondly
, the social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
,
especially
from parents has
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their spirit. Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
set an ideal model and hope their child to be like that.
Therefore
, they put high expectation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and it
inadvertently
Did you mean "becomes"?
become
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Thirdly
, commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
also
is one of the factors raise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who are the most
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
watching advertisements.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that commercial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
simply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
through marketing programs and advertisements which target them to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficult standards.
Consequently
, these standards
unconsciously
discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from being themselves.

I
also
believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective solutions for this problem. The education system needs to
be transformed
. What
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learned should
be put
on the top
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scores
.
Simultaneously
, parents need to lower their expectations and develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
true potential, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
know that studying is not all about the success of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the future.
Furthermore
, the authorities should limit the advertisements aiming at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and harder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the content of them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
publishing.

In conclusion
, there are a great amount number of reasons which causing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
still
can
be solved
. I hope
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
sociality
will
seriously
pay more attention in this matter in the future.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce this? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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