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Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v.12

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 12
Of late, stress on children has been a prevailing concern in a significant part of the world. A sea change has been seen in academic, social and commercial among the children, which is not available in past years. The following paragraphs would elucidate possible reasons for the problem and propose a handful of remedial measures. To commence with the reasons, first and foremost is educational stress in school. The curriculum of the school has changed quite a lot in recent years by adding unnecessary topics as lessons and children are spending most of the time to cover this up. Apart from this, parents of youngsters as well as teachers also put them in a competition, forcing them to memorize instead of learning. As a result, they feel weight on them to tackle such situations created by the education system. Moreover, today’s children are also facing stress from social and commercial issues. Parents tend to raise their kids the way they have grown up despite the centuries gap that exists between them. On the other hand, juveniles want to adopt the global culture, whereas their parents force them to keep simple. This sometimes makes them angry and creates mental weight on them. They are also facing peer stress which can lead to stress. For example, someone in the family uses smart gadgets like smartphones as well as computers and the toddler want to buy them where they are not permitted to do so. Undoubtedly, every lock has a key. Similarly, some situations should be implemented by changing the syllabus of every school category. Authorities should have concern about illogical topics which are being taught by educational institutions in order to remove from their index so that students can be free from extra study pressures. Moreover, parents should not be forced to adapt, they should teach their kids the difference between good or bad. In conclusion, I would like to state that the government and individuals should put their best foot forward together in order to solve these problems.
Of late,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has been a prevailing concern in a significant part of the world. A sea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in academic, social and commercial among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which is not available in past years. The following paragraphs would elucidate possible reasons for the problem and propose a handful of remedial measures.

To commence with the reasons,
first
and foremost is educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
in school. The curriculum of the school has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
quite a lot in recent years by adding unnecessary topics as lessons and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are spending most of the time to cover this up. Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of youngsters
as well
as teachers
also
put them in a competition, forcing them to memorize
instead
of learning.
As a result
, they feel weight on them to tackle such situations created by the education system.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
also
facing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
from social and commercial issues.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
tend to raise their kids the way they have grown up despite the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "centuries'" or "century's"?
centuries
gap that exists between them.
On the other hand
, juveniles want to adopt the global culture, whereas their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
force them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
simple. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them angry and creates mental weight on them. They are
also
facing peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
which can lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stress
.
For example
, someone in the family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
smart gadgets like smartphones
as well
as computers and the toddler want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
them where they are not permitted to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

Undoubtedly
, every lock has a key.
Similarly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
situations should
be implemented
by changing the syllabus of every school category. Authorities should have concern about illogical topics which are
being taught
by educational institutions in order to remove from their index
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that students can be free from extra study pressures.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not
be forced
to adapt, they should teach their kids the difference between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
.

In conclusion
, I would like to state that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and individuals should put their best foot forward together in order to solve these problems.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures? v. 12

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
337 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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