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In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? v.6

In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? v. 6
Across the world there are many countries where people with advanced degrees are struggling to find employment. I think this is because full-time employment is no longer the cornerstone of modern economies. Universities need to re-structure study options in order to keep abreast of this development. People often declare that there is no work around anymore. In fact, there is Plenty of work. Casual, on-call, contract, part-time and temporary positions have proliferated in recent years. What is much rarer now is permanent employment, meaning positions with a long-term contract, benefits, stability, internal promotion And skills development organised by employers. The problem is that the university education system was designed for an employment-centred economy. People would dedicate anything from five to seven years to diligent study in order to get a guaranteed career at the end of it. There is no guarantee anymore. The solution is for university education to accommodate new working arrangements. Study options need to be broken down into shorter “booster” qualifications taken on an as-needed basis with more part-time, evening and distance options. A more realistic scenario now is for workers to balance two separate incomes Streams while studying on the side – perhaps for the length of their working life- Rather than studying full-time for six years and then working full-time until retirement. The post-employment economy is only a problem for people who are not prepared for it. Unfortunately, many of these people are highly-qualified graduates who are the product of an antiquated education system. The revamping university study should resolve this issue.
Across the world there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with advanced degrees are struggling to find employment. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
full-time employment is no longer the cornerstone of modern economies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Universities
need to re-structure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
options in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
abreast of this development.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
declare that there is no work around anymore. In fact, there
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
is


This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Plenty
of work. Casual, on-call, contract, part-time and temporary positions have proliferated in recent years. What is much rarer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is permanent employment, meaning positions with a long-term contract, benefits, stability, internal promotion

And
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
development
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
by employers.

The problem is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education system
was designed
for an
Possible spelling mistake found.
employment-centred
economy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
would dedicate anything from five to seven years to diligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a guaranteed career at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of it. There is no guarantee anymore.

The solution is for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education to accommodate new working arrangements.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Study
options need to
be broken
down into shorter “booster” qualifications taken on an as-needed basis with more part-time, evening and distance options. A more realistic scenario
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is for workers to balance two separate incomes

Streams while studying on the side
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
perhaps for the length of their working life-

Rather
than studying full-time for six years and then working full-time until retirement.

The post-employment economy is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a problem for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are not prepared for it. Unfortunately,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
-qualified graduates who are the product of an antiquated education system. The revamping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
should resolve this issue.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it? v. 6

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
257 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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