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Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries What are the causes of this What solutions can be offered v.1

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries What are the causes of this What solutions can be offered v. 1
In the modern century, the world suffers from the increase of crime rate throughout many nations. This eventually breeds the fear of innocent civilians and forces them to demand stronger punishment on those who committed a crime. Some insist giving prisoners longer prison sentence, and others insist alternative ways will be more effective and I lay my thoughts alongside the alternative ways as well. There are many benefits of sentencing offenders longer prison period. The longer the criminals who committed serious damage to others such as steal, violence, arson and murder are separated from the society, the higher the chances of the innocence being safe increases dramatically. During the time in prison, the offenders will have an opportunity to get them rehabilitated through many services available inside. For instance, they could reflect their own behaviour and educate themselves the way not to re-offend once they are released. Moreover, this long period of the prison sentence will work as a deterrent to future criminals. On the other hand, others argue that there are more effective ways to reduce the crime rate. They insist that sparing their life after committing serious crimes involving one’s life will be only wasting the tax that citizens paid. Hence to sentence to death will show a powerful warning to other, which result in a stiff drop in crime rate. In my opinion, these people can be of the service to the whole community during their imprisonment. The labour force from these criminals will be a great contribution to the societies. It does not imply that these violent and dangerous people will be released and walk around the inner city freely. They will be under heavy supervision. For example, they will be tied to the heavy chains and placed in construction sites to assist the building companies or they could be working as farmers when the harvesting season comes. To summarise, there are clear grounds both for and against long imprisonment. Thus the government must protect innocent lives from brutal and reckless criminals by researching the best method out of all these fine arguments.
In the modern century, the world suffers from the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate throughout
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations. This
eventually
breeds the fear of innocent civilians and forces them to demand stronger punishment on those who committed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
insist giving prisoners longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
sentence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
insist alternative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
will be more effective and I lay my thoughts alongside the alternative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
as well
.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits of sentencing offenders longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
period. The longer the criminals who committed serious damage to others such as steal, violence, arson and murder
are separated
from the society, the higher the chances of the innocence being safe increases
dramatically
. During the time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
, the offenders will have an opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
them rehabilitated through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
services available inside.
For instance
, they could reflect their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and educate themselves the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
way
not to re-offend once they
are released
.
Moreover
, this long period of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prison
sentence will work as a deterrent to future criminals.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others argue that there are more effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate. They insist that sparing their life after committing serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
involving one’s life will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
wasting the tax that citizens paid.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
to sentence to death will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a powerful warning to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, which result in a stiff drop in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate. In my opinion, these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can be of the service to the whole community during their imprisonment. The
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force from these criminals will be a great contribution to the societies. It does not imply that these violent and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
be released
and walk around the inner city
freely
. They will be under heavy supervision.
For example
, they will
be tied
to the heavy chains and placed in construction sites to assist the building
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
companies or
they could be working as farmers when the harvesting season
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
grounds both for and against long imprisonment.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
protect innocent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
from brutal and reckless criminals by researching the best method out of all these fine arguments.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries What are the causes of this What solutions can be offered v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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