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Teenagers are spending an increasing amount of time on the Internet, and this is having a negative effect on their social skills. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Teenagers are spending an increasing amount of time on the Internet, and this is having a negative effect on their social skills. v. 2
Regarding employment, being equipped with practical skills is the most valuable skill in recent times. Job seekers may not apply for jobs with their educational degrees anymore in years to come. It is agreed that practices are more valuable than theory. This essay would first discuss the benefits of practical skills and also its advantage. Firstly, persons equipped with practical skills, have experience and are ready for the job. Having practical expertise means you have engaged in it before, this provides the employee with an advantage since they already have an idea of what is meant to be done. For example, a shoe producing company would prefer to hire someone with experience or someone who has engaged in the profession previously, this provides an edge for them when seeking employment because a lot of organisations are on the lookout for capable skill. Secondly, having capable abilities has a better advantage in the job-seeking over theoretical abilities. Most companies are searching for the best possible way to minimize loss and a person with a know-how knowledge would cost less in training as compared to a person with theoretical attributes. Let us use Chevron as a case study, In recent times, there has been an increase in the rate at which Chevron has employed a person with know-how abilities, even though they still employ theoretical abilities more, the employment percentage of know-how abilities has doubled. In conclusion, theoretical abilities are just a foundation, a knowledge that has not been applied can not be compared to an expertise that has been applied. However, while I believe that theoretical knowledge is somewhat important, I believe that applied abilities are the real deal for job applications.
Regarding employment,
being equipped
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
is the most valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
in recent times.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Job
seekers may not apply for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
with their educational degrees
Make sure that 'anymore' is used as an adverb, not as an adjective. Did you mean "any more"?
anymore
in years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that practices are more valuable than theory. This essay would
first
discuss the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
also
its advantage.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
equipped with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, have experience and are ready for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
expertise means you have engaged in it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, this provides the employee with an advantage since they already have an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of what
is meant
to
be done
.
For example
, a shoe producing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
would prefer to hire someone with experience or someone who has engaged in the profession previously, this provides an edge for them when seeking employment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are on the lookout for capable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.

Secondly
, having capable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
has a better advantage in the job-seeking over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
. Most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are searching for the best possible way to minimize loss and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
with a know-how knowledge would cost less in training as compared to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theoretical
attributes.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Chevron as a case study, In recent times, there has been an increase in the rate at which Chevron has employed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
with know-how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
,
even though
they
still
employ
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
more, the employment percentage of know-how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
has doubled.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a foundation,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "knowledge".
a knowledge
that has not
been applied
can not
be compared
to an expertise that has
been applied
.
However
, while I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theoretical
knowledge is somewhat
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, I believe that applied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
abilities
are the real deal for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
applications.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Teenagers are spending an increasing amount of time on the Internet, and this is having a negative effect on their social skills. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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