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Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extent do you agree with this statement? v.3

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 3
Obesity in the younger generations is becoming increasingly problematic, especially in Australia where approximately 33% of children suffer from this preventable disease. Some people have suggested that schools should be responsible for the prevention and treatment of their student’s weight issues by monitoring their food intake and exercise output. This essay will discuss why I completely disagree with this proposition because it is far too draconian. The main reason why Australian schools should not monitor their children’s food intake and exercise output is because it is not their job to do so; it is the job of parents. Schools are responsible for education, and they can certainly educate children on the value of nutrition and exercise, but watching what they eat and how much they exercise is not in their purview. For example, it would be far too invasive for a teacher to ask students what they have been eating at home and how much they have been exercising. This would lead to all sorts of problems with parents and teachers even though it may yield results. In short, parents should remain responsible for raising their children healthily while schools should focus on educating them. A secondary reason why schools should not meddle with children’s diet and exercise regimes is because it may have negative psychological impacts on the students themselves. Although teachers are excellent role models for children, again, it is not their role to monitor their health. If a teacher were to single out a student for being overweight, for instance, it could have profound negative effects on the student including isolating them from their peers and promoting bullying. Even if a student is obese, a teacher should not reference this in the classroom and certainly not ask them about their eating and exercise habits. Clearly, this is a bad idea. In conclusion, this essay discussed why schools should not be part of a child’s prevention or treatment for obesity because it is not their role and it may cause mental problems for the child at hand. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the proposition that childhood obesity is a responsibility of schools
Obesity in the younger generations is becoming
increasingly
problematic,
especially
in Australia where approximately 33% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffer from this preventable disease.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have suggested that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should be responsible for the prevention and treatment of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
weight issues by monitoring their food intake and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
output. This essay will discuss why I completely disagree with this proposition
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is far too
Possible incorrect capitalization. Some adjectives that are derived from proper nouns can have both an initial capital letter and an initial lower case letter. If there is a close association with the proper noun, use "Draconian".
draconian
.

The main reason why Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not monitor their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
food intake and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
output is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not their job to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
; it is the job of parents.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
are responsible for education, and they can
certainly
educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on the value of nutrition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
watching what they eat and how much they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is not in their purview.
For example
, it would be far too invasive for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
to ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
what they have been eating at home and how much they have been exercising. This would lead to all sorts of problems with parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
even though
it may yield results. In short, parents should remain responsible for raising their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
healthily
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should focus on educating them.

A secondary reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not meddle with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
diet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
regimes is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
psychological impacts on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
themselves. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are excellent role models for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, again, it is not their role to monitor their health. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
were to single out a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
for being overweight,
for instance
, it could have profound
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
including isolating them from their peers and promoting bullying. Even if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is obese, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
should not reference this in the classroom and
certainly
not ask them about their eating and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
habits.
Clearly
, this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

In conclusion
, this essay discussed why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not be part of a child’s prevention or treatment for obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not their role and it may cause mental problems for the child at hand. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the proposition that childhood obesity is a responsibility of
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
schools
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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