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Childhood obesity is a serious problem in many countries What are the causes of it and how can the problem be managed v.1

Childhood obesity is a serious problem in many countries What are the causes of it and how can the problem be managed v. 1
It is considered by many that subjects such as computer and science should be preferred to subjects such as music. Although computer and science are crucial subjects, in my opinion, they cannot replace music as it has its own importance. Firstly, music comes under the category of art and therefore, it cannot be compared with science. In other words, often music represents the culture and custom of a community which cannot be represented by other means. If music is replaced in schools with other subjects, newer generation will never be able to fully understand and connect with their community’s culture. For example, often a lot of traditional stories are told in the form of folk songs because the music in the folk songs helps the children to understand the situation and emotions of the story. Another point to consider before preferring subjects like computers to music is that every child has different interests. While some students may be interested in science, there will be many who are interested in music. Moreover, students will get to know about the music at a young age which will increase career options available to them. For instance, a lot of famous musicians discovered music as a subject in their school. Ultimately, they found value in music and chose it as their career path. In conclusion, music is as important as subjects like computer and science because it has cultural significance and helps people to understand emotions. While other subjects have good career opportunities, music also offers a career with money and fame. Hence, I think it will be unwise to replace music with other subjects.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
should
be preferred
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. Although computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
are crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, in my opinion, they cannot replace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as it has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
importance.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
under the category of art and
therefore
, it cannot
be compared
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
represents the culture and custom of a community which cannot
be represented
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
means. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is replaced
in schools with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, newer generation will never be able to
fully
understand and connect with their community’s culture.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
traditional stories are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
in the form of folk songs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in the folk songs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the children to understand the situation and emotions of the story.

Another point to consider
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
preferring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like computers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is that every child has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
interests. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students may
be interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
, there will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
who
are interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Moreover
, students will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
at a young age which will increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
options available to them.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
musicians discovered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
in their school.
Ultimately
, they found value in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and chose it as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
path.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has cultural significance and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to understand emotions. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
opportunities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
also
offers a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
with money and fame.
Hence
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it will be unwise to replace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Childhood obesity is a serious problem in many countries What are the causes of it and how can the problem be managed v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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