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Certain personal qualities cannot be achieved through university studies. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion and relevant examples. v.2

Certain personal qualities cannot be achieved through university studies. Give your opinion and relevant examples. v. 2
Recently, it has been observed that many nations across the world spend the funds on the improvement of the existing trains by using the modern technologies and introducing high speed rails in their existing fleet rather than utilizing money for the construction of new roads. In the following paragraphs, I advocate my partial agreement with this statement. Firstly, the rail transport is one of the biggest mode of movement of people to commute between cities or states within a country as it provide economical, timely, safe and secure journey. But in a country like India, where the majority of people use the trains for commuting and transporting goods from one place to another, there is a dire need to upgrade the existing trains to cater the needs of the people travelling. Secondly, in India during the winter season, it has been observed that majority of trains got delayed because of fog and absence of latest technological equipments, which will increase the journey time, as a result of which many people miss their important events and functions. Furthermore, due to the poor rail tracks, trains are forced to run at an average speed of 100 KM/HR. So this gap can only fill by upgrading the tracks and introducing high speed trains. However, many people are dependent on road conveyance as well, especially in the areas where train connectivity is not there. In the developing nations, many villages do not have roads to commute from one place to another, and in some places, the existing roads are in a pathetic condition. There is a dire need to upgrade the existing road infrastructure in urban as well as remote areas, so that, these areas can be developed and in return, can contribute to the economic development of that region. To conclude, although the train transport is the biggest mode of movement and needs the improvement, but parallel development of the roads is also the need of the hour.
Recently, it has
been observed
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations across the world spend the funds on the improvement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trains
by using the modern technologies and introducing high speed rails in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
existing
fleet
rather
than utilizing money for the construction of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
. In the following paragraphs, I advocate my partial agreement with this statement.

Firstly
, the rail transport is one of the biggest mode of movement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to commute between cities or states within a country as it
Did you mean "provides"?
provide
economical, timely, safe and secure journey.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in a country like India, where the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trains
for commuting and transporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
from one place to another, there is a dire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to upgrade the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trains
to cater the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travelling.
Secondly
, in India during
Consider using "winter".
the winter season
, it has
been observed
that majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trains
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
delayed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of fog and absence of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technological equipments, which will increase the journey time,
as a result
of which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
miss their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and functions.
Furthermore
, due to the poor rail
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trains
are forced
to run at an average speed of 100 KM/HR.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this gap can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fill by upgrading the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
and introducing high speed trains.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are dependent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
conveyance
as well
,
especially
in the areas where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
train
connectivity is not there. In the developing nations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
villages do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
to commute from one place to another, and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
are in a pathetic condition. There is a dire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to upgrade the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
infrastructure in urban
as well
as remote areas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that, these areas can
be developed
and in return, can contribute to the economic development of that region.

To conclude
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
train
transport is the biggest mode of movement and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
the improvement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
parallel development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roads
is
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of the hour.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Certain personal qualities cannot be achieved through university studies. Give your opinion and relevant examples. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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