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The Pie charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. v.1

The Pie charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. v. 1
Many companies argue over the usefulness of the new employees in comparison to the old ones. Undoubtedly, the elderly workers bring experience on the table and the younger ones bring knowledge of new technologies. In my opinion, balance of both is required in the growth of a business, furthermore, this essay will discuss both sides with examples. On the one hand, the senior employees are treated as an asset by most of the businesses. The main reason is the experience they have gained over the years. With these many years in their hat, they know all doors and windows of a work arena. Thus, the boss can rely on them for big decisions and they can guide the new ones, too. For example, a senior can share his immense knowledge about the product which he has been working on for years to save the time and resources for the company. On the other hand, the fresh blood is considered as a boost to any industry. Since, they enter the fore with the knowledge of a bleeding edge technology. In addition, they need to prove themselves at the start of their career, so the company enjoys the benefits from their enthusiasm. For instance, new employees get selected after their graduation which makes sure they are aware of what’s happening in the market and the bosses can rely on their skills to compete with their rivals. Consequently, they prove themselves as an asset over a time period. In my view, no business can grow with just one kind of workers, whether it be new or old, as at some time they demand the skills of the other one. Therefore, a mixture of both as per the company requirements is the best solution to this dilemma. In conclusion, Amateur workers lead the industry with experience and novice can do the same with their latest skills. I support the idea that talent cannot be justified with age. But, a sensible approach to have a combination of amateurs and novice professionals can prove its worth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
argue over the usefulness of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
employees
in comparison
to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
Undoubtedly
, the elderly workers bring experience on the table and the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
bring knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
technologies. In my opinion, balance of both
is required
in the growth of a business,
furthermore
, this essay will discuss both sides with examples.

On the one hand, the senior employees
are treated
as an asset by most of the businesses. The main reason is the experience they have gained over the years. With these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years in their hat, they know all doors and windows of a work arena.
Thus
, the boss can rely on them for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
decisions and
they can guide the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, too.
For example
, a senior can share his immense knowledge about the product which he has been working on for years to save the time and resources for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

On the other hand
, the fresh blood
is considered
as a boost to any industry.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
, they enter the fore with the knowledge of a bleeding edge technology.
In addition
, they need to prove themselves at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of their career,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
enjoys the benefits from their enthusiasm.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
selected after their graduation which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sure they are aware of what’s happening in the market and the bosses can rely on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to compete with their rivals.
Consequently
, they prove themselves as an asset over a time period.

In my view, no business can grow with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one kind of workers, whether it be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, as at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time they demand the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of the other one.
Therefore
, a mixture of both as per the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
requirements is the best solution to this dilemma.

In conclusion
, Amateur workers lead the industry with experience and novice can do the same with their latest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that talent cannot
be justified
with age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, a sensible approach to have a combination of amateurs and novice professionals can prove its worth.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The Pie charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
340 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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